Twenty Seven: He Died
My guidance counselor told me the following Monday that she arranged for me to stay with a freshman girl at Oklahoma State University Friday and Saturday night so that I could have the experience of spending a weekend on the campus. She didn’t ask me if it was okay or check to see if I was busy… she just arranged the weekend visit and expected me to show. I wanted to be annoyed, but I couldn’t be. My guidance counselor had been my lifeline during high school. She helped me with my applications, talked to me when I seemed stressed, and asked about my life without prying. Diana gave me Friday night off of work and told me to enjoy myself, so I couldn’t even use babysitting as an excuse. That Friday afternoon I packed a bag of my new hand-me-downs, kissed a sulking Taylor goodbye, and nervously drove off to OSU. The truth was, I couldn’t go to OSU unless I got approval of enough scholarship. I simply couldn’t afford it and so I felt like spending a weekend there would be getting my hopes up for something that wasn’t necessarily going to happen.
Despite my hesitance, the weekend was actually a lot of fun. My guidance counselor arranged for me to stay with a girl who had graduated from my high school the year before and she loved talking me around campus and giving me the grand tour. I slept on a pile of blankets in her dorm room and got to know all of the girls on her floor. I tried not to picture myself getting to live there the following year, because I knew how uncertain it was.
It was hard not to think about Taylor the whole time. Since I’d moved in with him, he was around everyday and being away from him felt odd. Any moment I wasn’t engaged in conversation, I found my mind drifting back to him as I wondered what he was doing. I might have called him if I had a cell phone, but at that point I didn’t own one and was too shy to ask to use someone else’s. I figured he was just sitting around the house moping about me being gone- working on lyrics and watching television to keep himself busy. I remember how good it felt to know how much he loved to be with me. He had begun to need me as much as I needed him. After our previous Friday night after my dance, I suddenly felt so much closer to him. He hadn’t had the time or opportunity to spend time alone since the previous weekend, but he was always hinting at it.
When I returned from my weekend at OSU, I pulled up into the driveway to see Zac standing outside with a basketball in his hand. He waved merrily which seemed a little bit odd since I usually only saw him scowl or glare.
When I got out of the car and yanked my duffle bag out of the backseat, he rushed over and took it from me.
“I’ll get it for you,” he smiled.
Okay. Now that seemed more than just a little bit odd.
I followed him into the house. It was quiet and I figured the family after church lunch must be over and Zoe was probably napping. Zac carried my duffle bag up the stairs, but I wandered into the living room just to try and find out where everyone was.
Avery was laying across the couch flipping through the stations. She turned when she saw me and seemed to do a double take.
“You’re home?” she said immediately, and then corrected herself. “How was it? Have you seen Taylor yet?”
I gave her a strange look. “I just got back like two seconds ago. It was okay. Sort of boring actually, but the girl I stayed with was nice.”
“Have you talked to Taylor yet?”
“No… should I have?”
She bit her lip and shrugged. “You might want to go see him… I’ll be down here if you need me.”
I began to walk up the stairs, but within seconds I was practically running up. Something in my gut told me something was wrong. I ran to Taylor’s room and pushed the door open. He looked up from his bed where he was sitting and staring at a book.
“I’m back,” I smiled, walking over to him and sitting at the bottom of his bed.
He looked confused and slammed the book closed. I noticed it was a picture album. “Whatcha looking at?”
“I…” he started, looking at me and then looking down at his hands. What was going on? I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was just being paranoid, that everything was fine, but all the signs around me told me otherwise. Something felt off… he seemed uncomfortable around me… angry almost.
“What’s the matter?” I said, noticing the frown on his face.
“Can you leave…?” he finally whispered.
“Can I…? What? Leave your room?”
“Yes. Leave my room… maybe… leave this house?” He was so cold when he said it. It was as if he’d rehearsed it so many times he no longer had any emotion left when he said it. I didn’t know what to think of it. I was more concerned with why he was asking me to leave than I was with actually leaving. I sat there at the foot of his bed with my mouth hanging open- trying to put together pieces of what was happening.
“Leave this house!?” I repeated. “What did I do? Why are you…”
He stood up and stalked over to the door, holding it open and glaring at me. “Can you just leave Gabrielle? Just leave, okay? Go get your things, and leave.”
”What has gotten into you!?” I screamed, standing up from the bed. If I wasn’t so confused it would have hurt more. I searched desperately for a reason for why he was doing what he was doing… but looking back, not knowing the reason hurt less.
“I don’t want you here anymore! It’s that simple! I just don’t!” he said coldly, refusing to look at me. He stared at the wall behind me when he said it as if he was completely disconnected from what he was saying and who he was saying it to.
“What did I do?! Did I do something wrong because if I did please tell me!”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I just don’t want you to live here anymore!”
“Are you breaking up with me!?” I gasped. I thought he needed me and I needed him and we’d proved that to each other only a week before and… everything he was saying contradicted everything he’d said only days before!
“Are you breaking up with me and kicking me out and not giving me any reason what so ever? This is not happening…”
“All of the above,” he muttered, pointing angrily at the door. “Get out of my room!”
Tears sprung to my eyes. I was so confused and so hurt. I didn’t understand why he was doing what he was doing. I don’t think he understood it either. The tension is the room was high and my emotions were threatening to spill out. I shook my head in anger and began to stomp towards the door.
“Gladly!” I shouted. “I will gladly leave since you don’t even give me the dignity of… of telling me what this is about! What the hell happened to the Taylor I knew and who the fuck are you…?” I muttered, glaring at him as I passed him.
“He died,” Taylor muttered, gripping his doorknob in his hand and watching me pass. “And by the way, I’m getting married. You can congratulate me later.”
I froze in my steps when he said that. I froze, turned, and dropped my jaw. What had he just said?
“You… what?”
“I’m getting married,” he said stoically. I searched his face, his voice, his hands for some sort of emotion. He wasn’t even trembling or nervously playing with his shirt or ring like he often did. He just stood there looking at me with a distant look on his face.
“Who are you… why are you…?” I had so many questions in my head but I couldn’t seem to get them out. Was this just a sick prank? Was this just a way to get rid of me?
He sighed and moved away from the door, going back over to his bed and sitting down on it. He stared out the window, and since he was no longer kicking me out, I wandered back in and stood at the foot of his bed still searching for some sort of emotion. I was waiting for him to crack a smile and say- “Just kidding!”
“Natalie. We’re getting married… I don’t know. Probably in May… June… July. We’re back together again. I’m sorry.”
“How did I go away for one weekend and now you’re marrying your ex-girlfriend…?” I said, unashamed of the tears that began to pour out of my eyes. I couldn’t not cry. I was too confused.
He looked down at his fingers and sighed, twisting the Hanson ring he always wore around and around his finger.
“She’s pregnant,” he said quietly- so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. “The baby is due in the fall. It’s mine.”
He’d said he was a virgin! I’d thought we were each other’s firsts and I was the only person he’d given himself to and yet she was pregnant!? I couldn’t think my mind was spinning so fast.
“But you… you told me you were a…”
“A virgin? Well I’m not.”
“Then why did you tell me that!?”
“I don’t know!” he sighed. “For some reason it seemed like the right thing to say at the time! Unlike some men, it’s not something I’m exactly proud of.”
“You’re a liar…” I muttered, all of his wrongs suddenly coming before my eyes.
“You know I don’t usually lie,” he said, looking me in the eyes.
“You manipulated me… I can’t believe my boyfriend… ex… oh god… ” I muttered, shaking my head and backing up towards his door. It was too much. It was all happening too fast. I knew it was too good to be true. Suddenly I was stepping back towards him angrily, just shaking my head some more and trying to figure out what to say. I had no words. I hardly believed it… never mind had something composed to say back to him about it.
He stood up quickly when he saw me walking over to him- as if to protect himself. Before I knew it, I had launched myself towards him and began beating my fists against his chest- just screaming the first things that could escape my mouth.
“How fucking dare you!? How dare you! How dare you convince me to… and then just… and how could you even…” I couldn’t even seem to get a logical sentence out. He grabbed my wrists and held them away from him so I would stop hitting him. He remained stoic.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re a liar, and a fake, and I knew it all along! I should have never trusted you… you… you asshole!”
“You think I was planning this!?” he said, his voice rising in emotion for the first time as he said it. “Do you think I wanted this, Gabrielle? I wasn’t expecting this anymore than you were!”
“No!? You don’t think the unprotected sex was at all forewarning? You are such a…”
“It wasn’t unprotected!”
“Oh, I’m sure…” I tossed my head back and laughed bitterly, yanking my wrists away from him and stepping back so he wasn’t touching me. I never wanted him to touch me again. I never wanted him to look at me again. He held his arms out defensively even though I’d stepped away- probably just waiting for my next attack.
“You are unbelievable, Taylor. How could you do this!? I don’t understand you! I don’t understand how you have to marry her and-”
“You know it’s the right thing to-”
“Since when do you care about the right thing to do!? You lie to me, sleep with me, tell me this without any heart what so ever… you’re exactly like every other man who walks the-”
“Not the feminist preaching…”
He had some nerve. I was broken… standing broken before him. My heart was in a million pieces and my trust in anything was completely shattered… and he had the nerve to stand there and insult me. I shook my head and through tears somehow managed to mutter, “I hate you…”
I didn’t hate him. I didn’t hate him at all, but I felt so destroyed. I felt so betrayed on so many levels and so wronged. In one weekend my life turned upside down yet again by Taylor Hanson- only this time for the worst. I didn’t even know what to do! I struggled with the urge to run and cry, and hit him, and scream, and hold him in my arms and tell him it was going to be okay for him.
He nodded. “I’m not surprised. And that’s why you should just go.”
I nodded and stared at him through my glassy vision. “I’m gone,” I spoke firmly, and then turned to literally ran from his room. I ran down the hall and began pulling the boxes I’d unpacked only three weeks earlier from the closet. I didn’t even pay attention to what I was packing. I just began to throwing things into boxes, crying all the while.
After a few minutes of hastily packing my life back up, there was a knock on the door. Taylor, I groaned to myself.
“I’m packing! Go away!” I screamed at the door, grabbing the picture frames he had so carefully displayed on my dresser and throwing them in a box. I let out another sob as I remembered how sweetly he’d helped me unpack.
“Sweetheart,” Diana’s voice came through my door- their door. “Can I come in for a moment?”
My knees gave out and I slowly fell to the ground, kneeling in a muddle of just utter desperation at the foot of my bed… their bed.
She pushed the door open when I didn’t respond and her eyes immediately fell on me. I was crying… bawling really. She closed the door, rushed over, and knelt beside me rubbing my back.
“I’m so sorry sweetie… how did he tell you?” she said soothingly. “Why are you packing? You don’t need to leave because of this, Gabrielle…”
I shook my head and choked out. “He asked me to.”
This news set her back and she took a moment to digest it. “Taylor’s confused. He is in such a difficult situation right now he doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s feeling. Picture how confused you are, and multiply it times 10. That’s how confused he is. He didn’t mean it, I’m sure.”
I took a deep breath to try and end the pathetic scene of Diana seeing me bawl. Once I felt I was a little more under control, I looked up at her and wiped my tear-streaked face.
“He just said he’s getting married! Just like that! He didn’t give me any explanation really, except that she’s pregnant. He didn’t say sorry and he didn’t… he didn’t seem to care!”
“Oh sweetie, he cares… he cares so much he doesn’t know how to tell you any other way,” she said, still lovingly rubbing my back. “He has no right to act like this… no right, Gabrielle… but don’t go. We’ll work this out… Taylor is probably already regretting his words… don’t leave for me… don’t leave for the kids.”
“I have to,” I gasped through another wave of tears and pulled away from her so she didn’t feel like she had to comfort me. I could take care of myself. Taking care of myself had worked best before and it hurt less. I should have never trusted him. I should have known better, but I got carried away and ridiculous. I crawled over to my bookshelf and began piling my childhood memories into a box with my photographs.
“Gabrielle… sweetie, don’t do this,” Diana pleaded with me. “I know you’re really hurt… and you have every right to be… but come downstairs and talk to me about this. We can figure this out… we’ll talk to Taylor…”
I shook my head furiously as I sealed a full box of my things. “I don’t want to talk to Taylor ever again, Diana.”
“I’m sure you don’t but that wouldn’t solve anything…”
“There’s nothing I want to solve,” I wiped my face and tried to hold my chin cry. Enough crying, I told myself. Calm yourself down, get yourself together, and get packing. I was standing there hurt because of my own mistakes. I’d trusted someone who couldn’t be trusted. I should have protected myself better… I shouldn’t have gotten to the point that I relied on someone so much and I’d have been a lot better off. There was no one to blame but myself… and Taylor of course. But crying would do no good.
“Sweetheart…”
“Diana,” I said, making eye contact with her and swallowing a sob. “Please… I just want to leave. I just want to go far, far away from this… and I resign as your babysitter. I’m sorry… I’m really sorry, but I hope you understand. Taylor and I should have never gotten involved in the first place while I was working for your family…”
“You know I was okay with that…”
“But you shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry it has to be this way,” I swallowed hard again, forcing myself to stay strong. “But please just let me leave.”
“Do you want to leave?”
“I need to leave,” I said quietly, taking my clothes and boxing them up too. It was so hard to decide what to take and what not to take. Did I take the hand-me-downs that her friend had given me? Technically, they sort of belonged to the Hanson’s, but if I didn’t take them they might have an excuse to come by and see me. I wanted to run from the family I had come to love because love only leads to inevitable pain. I’d learned that the hard way, but at least I’d learned it. I packed the clothes. I needed the clothes.
She nodded sadly and watched me pack. “I hope you’ll change your mind, but it’s your decision. I don’t want you to leave, and I don’t think Taylor wants you to leave either. No one does… but it’s your decision.”
The air was awkward for awhile as I hastily packed boxes up and she sat there watching me. After about ten minutes I’d packed almost everything that was mine and she left the room without a word. I appreciated that she stopped asking me to stay. Each time she asked, I felt more and more weakened. If she’d kept asking, I would have probably broken down and cried in her lap. I’d probably have promised to stay.
My mind was still spinning. Everything was happening too fast. Taylor had lied to me, Taylor was going to be a father… he was getting married. Taylor had broken up with me, asked me to leave, acted like he hated me. I was leaving the Hanson’s… going back to my mother’s… going back to Brad. Everything was hitting me all at once and the only thing I could think to do to take my mind off of all of it was to keep packing. As soon as Diana left the room, I began carrying each box out to my car. As I carried the final box down, I could hear Diana and Taylor screaming at each other in his room.
“You get out and tell her you’re sorry! Tell her what you told me, Taylor!”
“I already talked to her! I said what I needed to say!”
“Why are you doing this?! What is wrong with you? What in the world is wrong with you? Is this how you handle mistakes? You made a mistake with her… now get out there and fix it!”
“I’ll make my own decisions and I handled it how I want to handle it!” his voice boomed through the bedroom door. But then his voice began to wilt a little bit and even tremble. “There’s nothing more to say. Just leave me alone… everyone needs to just leave me alone.”
I ran down the stairs with the final box before I could hear anymore. Just hearing his voice hurt. What hurt even more was seeing Zoe standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me nervously.
“Are you leaving us, Gabrielle?” she asked worriedly as I walked past her with the boxes. I couldn’t look at her. I felt too guilty looking at her. Suddenly I realized how Taylor must have felt when he was talking to me and I realized how much it would hurt Zoe if I didn’t even give her a proper goodbye. I wouldn’t make the same mistake he made. I refused.
I set the box in the backseat of my car and walked over to her. I kneeled before her and took her hands in mine.
“Zoe, I’m moving out, okay? And I’m not going to be babysitting for you anymore… I’m sure your Mom will find a new babysitter.”
Her blue eyes began to well with tears and she wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a needy hug that I tried not to let affect me. I needed to leave. Leaving was the right thing to do, I told myself.
“Don’t go, Gabrielle. Why are you leaving? You live here now. I don’t want a new babysitter…”
I gave her a tight squeeze and then carefully pulled myself away from her gasp. She grabbed at my hair so I had to slowly pry her fingers away. When I removed her from me and stood up completely, she began to cry. I wanted to say more, but there was nothing I could say. I didn’t really understand anything better than she did at that given moment.
“Go inside and sit with Avery,” I told her, taking my keys and opening the car door. I was fighting tears. “Go inside and tell Avery that I said goodbye and make sure you tell everyone else okay?”
“When are you coming back?” she cried.
“I don’t know,” I shook my head. At that moment, my answer was never. I never wanted to come back. I couldn’t come back. I was stupid for coming in the first place. I slipped into the car door and nodded at her to go inside. I wasn’t willing to pull away until she was out of the driveway. She stared at me for a moment and then ran for the door crying. I couldn’t watch her standing there waving to me through tears as I pulled out. I couldn’t look at Taylor’s bedroom window where I assumed he and his Mom were still arguing. I couldn’t look at Avery’s face pressed against the living room window as she watched me pull away. I just looked away and tried to keep myself together.
I didn’t cry anymore. As soon as I pulled out, I choked back any tears and swallowed my pain. Nothing had ever hurt more in my life. Losing Taylor stung like losing Ray, but even more. I never knew it was possible for someone to mean so much to me… and especially someone I’d known for such a little time but Taylor had changed my life. He’d given me a place to live, people to love, and he’d shown me a Gabrielle I never knew existed. Suddenly, all of that seemed tainted. It seemed destroyed in fact and as I drove home, I began questioning everything he’d ever told me. How much of it was a lie? How much of it meant absolutely nothing? He’d said he’d loved me… time and time again… As I drove I began to wish I had never met him in the first place.
Taylor caused me pain. When you have nothing, you don’t expect anything. That’s how my life was before Taylor. But Taylor and the Hanson family… they taught me to expect life to be good, people to be kind, and God, if he existed, to be merciful. The only problem with expecting good things is when the pain comes, it catches you off guard and it hurts more. It knocks the wind out of you. At least when you expect pain, you can be numb to it when it comes. As I pulled into my old driveway for the first time since I moved, my stomach dropped as I saw Brad’s truck. I’d been hoping he wouldn’t be around for my homecoming. I put the car into park and slowly twisted the keys to turn the car off. As I sat there staring at the house I thought I’d never have to crawl back to, I realized that it was going to be impossible to get rid of Taylor as quickly as I wanted to. I was driving his car. I was wearing his t-shirt. I was replaying his words, and they hurt like hell. A burst of tears exploded from me as I rested ahead against the steering wheel- mourning the breaking of my heart.