Twenty One: Orange Sweatshirt
I felt horrible when Zac approached me Sunday evening and asked me what I was planning on getting Taylor for his birthday. Taylor had done such a good job of finding out my birthday and making it special, and I had absolutely zero clue that his was coming up. His birthday was Monday, and somehow I had missed any mention of it all together. I had exactly one day to find a gift for him. I was overwhelmed to say the least.
Even more overwhelming was the fact that he had given me more than I could ever ask for on my birthday. I could never match his gift, but I needed to get as close as I could. I had never bought anyone a real present before. I’d never had the money. In the second grade I was invited to a classmate’s birthday party, even though I never really did talk in class. I think her mother made her invite me out of pity. I never did go simply because I couldn’t get her a gift. When I asked my Mom she laughed, and I only had two dollars in savings at the time.
For lack of knowing what else to do, I drove to the Woodland Hills Mall and began wandering in and out of stores. As I passed Journey’s, I could help but smile at the memory of my first awkward moments with Taylor and how things had changed since then. In so many ways he seemed so similar to the boy who had thrown a fit about buying me shoes then, but at the same time he felt seemed different. It was almost like I was looking back at a stranger and comparing him to someone who I felt like I’d known forever. How can you feel that way after just over a month?
On Monday afternoon I wrote a fake not to my school to excuse me before my final two classes so I’d have time to make it to the mall to get Taylor a gift and still be home in time to do my job. I’d never done anything like that before and always took going to class very seriously, but so much was changing in my life it didn’t even feel all that odd.
After two hours of wandering around the mall after on Monday afternoon I had compiled what I considered to be a decent birthday gift for Taylor. I bought him a bottle of the cologne I knew he always wore and was running out of, a CD he’d been talking about wanting, and an orange sweatshirt that just reminded me of something he’d wear. He liked showy items of clothing, I’d noticed. All in all, I spent 70 dollars on him which was more than I’d ever spent before in one day… in one week in fact! It scared me spending that much money in one day, but I knew I had to give him a nice gift. Still, as I wrapped it all up that night in my bedroom, it didn’t feel like enough.
Aside from Ray, I couldn’t think of one person who was as important as Taylor was in my life. It didn’t take long for me to begin to love him and depend on him completely. He never did understand that he saved me… that he was my hero. But he changed my life around and I just didn’t feel like a bottle of cologne, a CD, and a sweatshirt expressed that. I wanted to give him something that showed him exactly how important he was to me. For the first time, I wanted to show vulnerability. He deserved to see it.
I carefully looked through a box in my closet of mementos important to me. I didn’t have many, but I pulled out a pair of red suspenders and fingered them lightly.
They were Ray’s. When he first moved in and was unpacking his things my mother pulled them out of his suitcase and laughed, holding them up to him.
“What are these!?” She’d asked, dangling before his face. She laughed at them, tossed them in the back of his drawer, and we never saw them again until the Father and Daughter dance at my school.
Every spring my middle school held an event where fathers took their daughters to the dance and bought them a bouquet of flowers. I’d heard girls talking about in class. Somehow I got around to asking Ray to go with me. He wasn’t my father, no, but he was the closest I had and I loved spending time with him. He didn’t know to get my flowers, but he did put on the only pair of black pants he had, a white dress shirt, and the suspenders. It was the only time I saw him wear them, but I liked them. He stood out. Even when he disappeared for a few minutes at the dance to find us sodas, I could still see him across the crowd by the dashes of red. When he moved out for good, he left them in the back of the drawer.
No one had ever meant as much to me as Ray had. No one could ever take his place. He was the first person in my life to really show me that some people, a small group of people, are innately good, kind, and loving. No one could ever replace his role in my life.
Somehow Taylor had given Ray a run for his money. I felt differently about Taylor than I felt about Ray, obviously, but they both represented men I could trust… men who defied everything else I knew. After careful deliberation, I carefully wrapped the red suspenders.
We all had his favorite foods for dinner- lasagna, chicken parmesan, and garlic bread. He insisted he get to choose the best piece of bread before everyone else. Diana made a cake similar to the cake she’d made me- only he had one more candle than I did. The entire family, including myself, sang to him and he blew out the candles in one big breath. He loved the attention- the flashes of his mother’s camera on him as he blew the cameras out and the gifts being thrust at him across the kitchen.
After he’d opened shirts, movies, and gifts cards from his siblings, and a digital camera from his parents, he looked over at me and smirked.
“You better have a gift for me Miss Carter,” he said, taking a bite of his second piece of cake.
He was lucky I did, otherwise he would have felt thoroughly awkward about his demand.
I smiled and took the pile of three gifts from behind me, piling them in front of them. The family watched eagerly as he tore the paper off and gasped with him at each gift. They were a very expressive gift opening group. Everyone seemed to have a comment about every gift he opened. He tried on the sweatshirt accordingly and tossed the CD off to Isaac to put into the main stereo that played throughout the house. I noticed that at the Hanson house your birthday meant everyone else doing things for you all day. He’d been a spoiled brat all day, having drinks brought to him and asking people to answer his cell phone for him.
As he wrapped me in a hug and murmured thank you into my ear, kissing my neck, I almost thought about not giving him the suspenders at all. Perhaps it was all too sappy…
“I have another gift for you upstairs,” I whispered, suddenly realizing the implication of the statement
He stepped back and wiggled his eye brows at me. “Oh yeah?”
“Not like that!” I said, glancing around at his family around us. Fortunately, they didn’t seem to be paying attention to our conversation. “It’s wrapped. I didn’t want to give it to you down here.”
He nodded, grabbed his plate of cake, and followed me upstairs to my bedroom. We sat together crossed legged on the floor on my room and I handed him the small package.
“What is it?” he asked as he took a final bite of his cake and put the plate next to him. I moved it away from him, knowing how clumsy he was and knowing he would knock crumbs all over my floor for sure.
He shook it and gave me a curious look before beginning to unwrap it. I suddenly put my hands out and stopped him.
“Wait! Can I explain first?”
“Explain the gift? Okay.” “Okay,” I said, taking a big breath. “I’m about to get sappy on you okay? This is a rarity, so you better take it all in and appreciate it because it won’t happen often.”
He laughed and leaned back against his hands, “I know! I’m excited. Go on.”
I took another breath and then looked him in the eye. “Tay… I don’t know where the hell you came from and I’m still trying to figure out why exactly you’re in my life. But somehow you’ve become so important… so incredibly important. You’ve become the person that’s saved me, the person that I can count on and trust… and I never had anyone like that before. I had Ray, but he eventually left and he never came back. I never expected to be able to rely on someone again… but you just came into my life and at first it made me so nervous… but now I’ve never been more thankful for anything. You, and your family… and my relationship with you. I feel so thankful. And I just… open this and don’t say anything. I’ll explain what it means, okay?”
He smiled and nodded, “Okay.” He leaned forward again and slowly began to continue unwrap the gift again. His smile broadened when he saw the red suspenders.
I carefully explained to him the story about Ray. I explained how my mother laughed at them, how I could find Ray all night at the dance because of the suspenders, how I’d found them after he’d driven away. Taylor was such a good listener; he just sat there taking in every word I said.
“You have restored what Ray taught me about people. People are good… and can be trusted and… Taylor, you are just as important to me now as Ray was. And I just wanted to… to show you how much you mean to me. And I know it’s kind of a strange and dorky gift…”
He smiled and shook his head, “I appreciate it. For one, I don’t have red suspenders,” he teased. “I don’t have any suspenders in fact! And hearing you say this stuff to me… it’s really incredible to hear you tell me this. You’re always wondering why I came into your life, when I think the question is why you came into my life. I’ve never met anyone like you… you’re a breath of fresh air. And I find more and more reasons to love you each day.”
“You shouldn’t say things like that…” I said quietly, shaking my head.
“Say what? That I find reasons to love you?”
“It’s an important word.”
“You’re an important person to me,” he said quietly, sliding closer to me.
“Well I’m not even sure that I could… that I could say it back,” I said, fumbling over the syllables and trying to interpret what he was saying. How long had I known him? Even if I felt like loved him, I couldn’t possibly.
“Gab, I’m just as freaked out as you. Just over a month ago I didn’t even know you! Now you’re all I can think about. But I think I really am falling in love with you. I never understood how people could meet someone and just know… right away. That’s the person. But there’s no question in my mind that you’re perfect for me.”
I smiled and glanced away from him, “This is getting way too cheesy for me…”
He laughed and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “It is, isn’t it? Just so you know… you don’t have to say it back. It’s not conditional. I don’t love you only if you love me back. I think… I think that I love you… period. I just do… regardless of how you feel. You’re stuck with my love.”
He leaned in and planted one simple kiss on my lips.
“You’re stuck with mine too,” I finally said.