Twenty: Amen
I remember the first time we drove up to the Hanson family’s church, the Triumph Christian Center, I looked around and asked, “Where is it?”
Growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I guess I should have been used to huge churches, but the truth was I didn’t know churches could honestly be that large.
Taylor laughed and pointed at the three story building in front of us. “That IS it.”
I stared at the police who were parked outside of the driveway to help the flow of traffic and the groups of people filing their way in through the front doors. There was a bus dropping off a group of elderly woman and a man in an orange vest directing traffic. He pointed out to Walker where to park the large van that we were all crammed into. Before we’d left the house there had been protests by Zac who wanted to drive separately, but Diana was firm and everyone was smashed into the 12 passenger van the family owned.
As time went on, I grew used to the church and it actually became home, but that first weekend I was still shocked by it all. There was a loud gospel choir to the left of the stage. Yes. There was actually a stage. There was a band that consisted of 5 guitars, a drum set, a piano, and multiple other string instruments tucked to the right of the stage, and a large sign draped across the front of the stage that said, “HE HAS RISEN.” Taylor explained they always made a new one each year right around the time of Easter.
All ten of us clumped into two rows right behind each other to the left side of the huge auditorium-sized sanctuary. I noticed we chose a spot towards the corner of the room in the back, and wondered how often the Hanson’s were bothered at church. I couldn’t imagine someone actually having the nerve to bug them for autographs at their own church. I asked Taylor and he said some of the people they’d known before their fame, a small group of people seemed to stalk them on Sunday mornings, but the majority of the church didn’t even notice them. He explained the church was too big for Sunday morning gossip and so most of the older population at the church hadn’t even heard of MMMBop.
That first service I just sat back and watched everything, over stimulated by the loud music and preachers on the stage. I was completely out of my element, and it was awkward to say the least. I was amused watching about half of the congregation dancing during the worship music and raising their hands to the sky. I’d come in contact with born-again Christians before, but never so many at once. Some people closed their eyes and held their arms up while others clapped and swayed. The music was not traditional hymns like I thought it might be, but contemporary worship music proclaiming how “awesome” God is.
During one song, when the entire congregation started clapping together, I felt awkward trying to decide what to do. Hell, I didn’t even know if I believed in God. The Hanson’s started clapping too, and while they sang along to every song and Diana even sometimes held out her hand, they were a group of the more reserved Christians in the room. I was thankful for that at least, as it was less awkward. I could see Taylor clapping to my right and Mackenzie, who I was in charge of watching, clapping to my left. Did I look awkward not clapping? Did I look even more awkward clapping to a song about a God I wasn’t sure existed? I finally gave in to a internal need to fit in, looked up at the monitors at the front of the room that displayed the lyrics, and started quietly clapping with my hands hung at my side. I even went as far as quietly singing along with everyone.
I was relieved that Taylor didn’t say anything to point out how out of place I probably felt, and just let me blend in with everyone else. Then again, I noticed halfway through the song that his eyes were closed so perhaps he was oblivious to the fact that I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had always known his family was very Christian, but it had never occurred to me that he was spiritual as well.
We must have sang five or six songs before everyone sat down, put money into the baskets, and the bowls of bread started to be passing around. What was this? Communion… that’s what this was. I might not have been Christian, but I ‘d known plenty of people who were. Christians drink the supposed blood of Jesus in a little glass of wine and commit themselves to Jesus by taking a small piece of bread to represent his body.
But I didn’t believe in Jesus! I didn’t not believe in Jesus, but I surely didn’t believe in him either. I didn’t know what to believe. Participating in communion when I clearly was undecided would have been wrong, but rejecting it would make a big statement to the Hanson family- a statement I didn’t know that I wanted to make. I eyed the silver bowl coming down the aisle, inching closer and closer to me by the second as it was passed along. I had to make a decision fast.
As Jessica took the shallow bowl into her hand and passed it along to Avery who was only seats away from me, I suddenly ducked out of the aisle, whispered to Taylor that I needed to find the bathroom, and then walked away. He looked confused but was quickly distracted by the bowl of Jesus being passed to him.
I wandered around the huge church for no longer than a minute until I found one of the many bathrooms. I used the bathroom, washed my hands, and then took my time drying them twice with the hand dryer. I was stalling. I slowly meandered back to the sanctuary of the building, looking at the bulletin boards about mission trips on the walls of the church as I walked.
When I got back in, the sermon had started and I saw no evidence of the communion anymore. I exhaled a sigh of relief and tried to quietly step around Taylor and sit back in my seat. To my surprise, he gave me a tight smile and took my hand in his when I sat.
Feeling more awkward than ever, I just let my hand remain in his and tried to pay attention to the sermon being delivered.
“When we plant seeds, we receive gardens and gardens of flowers back from God. When we do good things for other people, we receive abundant blessings from God! You may feel like nothing in life is working out. You’ve lost your job, you’re lonely, you’re sick, someone important to you is sick… you feel like you want to give up. But those who don’t give up, who give to others despite their own hardships… those are the ones who are most blessed by God!” the preacher said, turning from side to side and directing different sentences at different parts of the room. “Abraham and Sarah tried for years and years to conceive a child and couldn’t, Abraham wanted to give up hope. But he didn’t. He remained steadfast in God. Then one day God came to him and blessed with him with many, many children! When you plant a seed, you receive a garden back.”
In a sense, he was right. I don’t know how many seeds I’d planted in my life as I never considered myself an especially kind or giving person… not like Taylor was at least. But I’d let go of my pride, agreed to let Taylor interview me for his class, and look what I’d been given? A new life. A brand new life.
The preacher rambled about seeds and gardens for another thirty minutes or so. Mackenzie grew fidgety and so I took the leather Bible Taylor had brought with him and gave it to Mackie to flip through. It entertained him for about five minutes, but he eventually got bored again and he began rocking the chair back and forth. The Hanson’s church doesn’t have pews like a most churches, but chairs that are set up every Sunday to fit as many people as possible into the room.
I used my free hand to hold his chair down. He shot me an annoyed look and kept trying to rock it despite the fact that I was clearly telling him to stop. He pawed at my hand, trying to push it off his chair.
“Move your hand off my chair,” he mumbled.
“Stop rocking it then and listen,” I whispered back, feeling quite hypocritical since I too had zoned out and was just hoping the sermon would be over soon. I was told to watch him though, and I wasn’t about to disappoint Diana. I could see her in front of me holding a quiet Zoe in her lap and giving Zac an angry eye when he whispered to Isaac, so I knew what was expected of her children.
As soon as I moved my hand, he started rocking again. He was clearly testing me. I was no longer just the fun babysitter that came over to play with him on Wednesday and Friday nights, but I was now telling him what to do and he made it very obvious by his defiant smile and rocking of his chair that he wasn’t appreciating it.
I placed my hand back on his chair and gave him a stern look. “Mackenzie, stop it, okay? You’re frustrating me.”
The eight-year-old giggled and pushed my hand away again, leaning the chair back so far it looked like it would topple over any second.
“Look at it now,” he smirked at me, visibly enjoying the game he was playing with me.
“Can you please quit it?” I was losing, and I knew that I wasn’t handling it like I should have been but I’d hardly ever disciplined children before. The Hanson children were usually well-behaved when I babysat them in the evenings, and the little girl I used to watch in my neighborhood at home was the quietest child you’d ever meet. I simply didn’t know what to do to stop his behavior.
I heard a man sitting behind his grunt as Mackenzie kept rocking back and forth, making more noise with each slam of the chair.
“Okay, this is the final time I’m going to ask…” I said. He didn’t stop, just grinned. I just sighed. I didn’t know what else to do.
All of a sudden, Taylor, who must have been listening to my arguing with his younger brother the entire time, stood up, took Mackenzie by the arm, and began dragging him towards the back of the room. I hurried after them, partly thankful Taylor had helped me out and also feeling a bit ashamed I couldn’t control the boy on my own. What was I being paid for again?
When we were all outside of the sanctuary and away from the doors, Taylor gently pushed Mackenzie onto a bench and looked at him seriously.
“Knock it off,” he stated sternly. “When Gabrielle tells you to stop doing something, you’re going to stop doing it. Otherwise, she’s going to tell Mom and Dad and they can deal with you instead. Do you want that?”
He glared away from his older brother, glaring at the hallway behind Taylor and trying to pretend like he wasn’t listening.
“Mackie,” Taylor said a bit louder. “You have two options. Behave yourself and listen to Gabrielle, or get in trouble with Dad. What is your choice? If you can’t go back in there and listen quietly to the sermon, then we’ll just wait for Dad out here.”
Time after time I’d heard Diana tell me that she never left the kids with Taylor because he simply never took an active role in watching them. It was ironic how as soon as I needed his help, not his mother, he rose to the responsibility and handled his younger brother with ease.
“Okay then,” Taylor said, shrugging and sitting down next to Mackenzie who still refused to respond. “We’ll sit here and explain to Dad why we missed half of the sermon. You can tell him about your behavior.”
Mackie looked at me nervously and then looked to Taylor. He sighed and then quietly mumbled, “Taylor …”
“We’ll just wait,” Taylor said, sliding down and relaxing on the bench as if to imply he was just getting comfortable.
“We can go back in…” Mackie muttered.
“Can we? Can you handle going back in, sitting still, and listening? Are you going to listen to Gabrielle?”
Mackie glared at the floor, resenting having to listen to his older brother, but just nodded. “Fine…”
“Apologize to Gabrielle. Tell her you’re sorry for playing games with her back in there,” he said.
Both of the boys looked at me and I wondered if I was supposed to say something.
“Taylor!” Mackenzie yelled at his brother. “I’m not apologizing…”
He was still trying to resist me being able to tell him what to do. He could tolerate his brother telling him what to do, but I was just his brother’s girlfriend. I wasn’t a nanny to him yet. That was very clear.
Taylor put his arms behind his head and yawned. “Alright then. We’ll just relax here until service gets out.”
Mackenzie kicked his heel against then back of the bench and stared at Taylor, but Taylor didn’t react at all.
“Fine! I’m sorry Gabrielle,” he said, glancing at me and then looking back at Taylor to look for a reaction.
“Thank you,” Taylor said with a nod, and then stood up and stood in front of his little brother. He looked down at him and then added, “And you know. What you were doing was not only disrespectful to Gabrielle, but you were disrespecting God as well.”
Mackenzie paused for a moment to think about this before sliding off the bench and following Taylor back towards the sanctuary. I followed too, surprised by Taylor’s statement. I’d known him for just over a month, and never before had I heard him talk about his faith. It was almost refreshing. And yet at the same time it proved me to me how much I didn’t know about him.
When we sat back down, Mackenzie sat up in his seat and looked ahead at the preacher. He was suddenly completely obedient. Taylor would make a good father one day, I decided. I surprised myself when I went ahead and took Taylor’s hand in mine this time. He seemed surprised too- flinched and glanced at me but tried not to make a big deal of it.
“Thanks,” I whispered to him.
He gave me a small smile, a little nod, and whispered back, “You’re welcome.”
After church the entire family spent about 15 minutes walking around and greeting people. I noticed Diana talking across the room, pointing me out a few times and smiling. Was she actually gushing over me? It looked like it. I had never had anyone gush over me before, and it felt amazing as much as I didn’t want to admit that it did.
The Hanson’s all spread out around the sanctuary. Jessica and Avery joined a group of girls and began talking with them, Zac and Isaac talked to an adult man, and Mackenzie and Zoe dashed off to run in circles with a group of children their ages. Taylor, being the social guy that he is, surprised me when he didn’t rush over to anyone to chat. He just took my hand and guided me out of the sanctuary.
“Taylor,” I whispered to him as he dragged me out. “I’m supposed to be watching your siblings remember? That’s why I live with you? That’s why I get paid?”
He rolled his eyes and used his spare hand to cup it over my mouth. “Could you stop thinking about work and everything for just one second? You exhaust me.”
I sighed and glanced back at the room full of people, unable to shrug off the guilt I felt about walking out when I was hired to watch Diana’s kids.
“Well… I am supposed to be keeping track of your Mom’s kids you know…”
“So you’re keeping track of me,” he smirked, pulling me out another set of doors outside. Somehow I knew him well enough to know he was going to say something like that. Taylor is very predictable once you know what exactly to predict.
“Somehow I’m not sure if that’s what she had in mind,” I laughed, sitting down with him on the front steps of the church and looking out at the people filtering in and out of the church. It was a gorgeous day. Tulsa in March is usually freezing or blistering, but the weather felt perfectly warm as we sat there together on the steps.
“I like Sundays,” he said, the statement seeming to come from nowhere. “I sometimes act like I don’t because when I have to wake up at the crack of dawn and spend time with my family it just feels like a pain. But going to church feels good. You feel sort of… refreshed. Rejuvenated. Ready for the next week.”
“I didn’t know you were such a spiritual person.”
He glanced over at me. “No? I guess I don’t talk about it a lot. We’ve always been told by our parents and managers and everything that faith stays separate from our career. Mixing them just becomes controversial and… there’s no need. I guess I’ve sort of applied that to everything.”
“So you believe in the whole Jesus thing and everything? Died on the cross? Died to save our souls and wash away our sins? All that?”
He laughed and stretched his legs out across the steps, pulling his sleeves up on his dress shirt to take in the sun. “Yeah. I believe in all that. It’s what I was taught when I was young… and I questioned it for awhile. There were a few years that I was like… damn, is that really true? But I guess I did some soul searching and something inside of me just was telling me there is a God, and Jesus was in my life.”
I couldn’t help but stare at him as he spoke. I’d never heard him speak before about himself that sensitively. He’d always been a fairly open person, but he was open to a certain point. He actually seemed vulnerable sitting there next to me. Somehow, even though I didn’t necessarily agree with everything he said at that time, I respected him for saying it.
“You probably are thinking like… wow. What a Jesus freak,” he laughed.
“No!” I corrected him quickly. “Not at all. I like hearing you talk about this, actually. The only Christians I know are like… well I guess there are some nice ones at school but the only people who really talk about God are the Christians who don’t do anything wrong, seem to live perfect lives, and hold Bible studies before class every morning in the hallway.”
He laughed and looked out across the Tulsa horizon. “I’m not like that at all. I’ve made my share of mistakes. I cuss, I drink…” he paused and then looked at me. “You know all that.”
“Quite well,” I smirked, thinking about his drunken performance weeks earlier.
“Do you do the whole like… giving money to charity, praying, no sex before marriage deal?”
He laughed and paused. “Yeah.”
“All of that?”
He nodded. “I would say so, yes. We give money to charities and money to the church a lot… and I do my share of praying. Sometimes only when I need something… but I pray.”
“Virgin?”
“Virgin,” he nodded.
Somehow that surprised me. I figured a former pop star like himself who’d had the opportunity to sleep with any woman he really wanted would have taken advantage of it, but I guess his family morals and faith stopped him.
We sat there in a comfortable silence for a few moments, just watching the families come out the church. Little girls danced in the parking lot in their Sunday dresses. Mothers ran after them and grabbed their wrists, yelling at them for running in front of cars.
“Are you friends with people from this church?” I finally asked.
He snapped out of his reverie and paused to take in the question, then glanced down at the ran his fingers along the side of the shiny, black shoes he was wearing with his black pants. “Sorta.”
“What do you mean sorta?”
He shrugged, “I guess I have a few friends here. I used to go to youth group with these people a long, long time ago. I went once or twice last year, when I was still technically in high school, but I’m just so out of the loop I don’t really know anyone. And then there always seems to be a lot of people in the youth group who freak out because of who I am, and that’s just… annoying. I wasn’t making it up when I told you I don’t have that many friends, Gabrielle. I’m never around enough to really maintain good friendships.”
Before I could say something sympathetic or consoling, Avery’s voice came up behind us.
“Boo!” she screamed, laughing when we both flinched and looked at her. “Mom’s looking for you.”
I gave Taylor a look that I knew he understood. I should have never let him drag me outside, and yet somehow I was thankful for the serious conversation we’d had. Everything had been so busy lately, and we needed that.
We peeled ourselves up from the steps and looked for Diana. It wasn’t hard to spot her with her long hair and gang of children surrounding her.
“Jordan Taylor,” she said sternly when we walked over to her. Then she held up his Bible, handed it to him, and added, “You left this inside. You need to take care of your things and keep track of them.”
We both must have let out sighs of relief that she didn’t seem mad about us disappearing for a bit. Even though Taylor always tried to act so carefree about everything, he worried almost just as much as me. He knew how different of a situation it was that I got to live with his family, and I know he didn’t want to mess it up either.
The entire family gathered together for the, what Taylor referred to as, “Sunday afternoon circle of bickering”. I began to ask what it was exactly, but the bickering started before I could.
“Can we go to Chili’s?” Mackenzie asked
“We went there last week,” Zac groaned. “And you know what, I think the week before. We’re not going there again.”
“Why not?” Taylor chimed in. “It’s always good.”
“Because there’s only so many times I can watch you eat ribs and disgustingly lick your fingers afterwards,” Zac shot back, and Taylor rolled his eyes.
“Jason’s Deli?” Diana suggested, and a half of the family groaned. “The Spaghetti Warehouse?”
“All the way into downtown?” Walker chimed in. “I really don’t feel like going that far, Di.”
The family stood there bickering over where to eat for probably ten minutes until almost everyone could compromise on some steakhouse I’d never heard of. Only Mackenzie and Jessica complained about it- Mackenzie because he still wanted Chili’s and Jessica because she didn’t want to go out to lunch with the family at all; she wanted to join some friends at Burger King. I overheard Diana explaining to her though as we all piled back into van that Sunday was a family day and they always ate lunch together.
The more time I spent with the Hanson’s, the more I began to feel like a member of the family. I put my legs on top of Taylor in the backseat instead of sitting rigidly nervous. I joined in on conversations when I had something to say. I even groaned with the rest of the family when Walker began singing really loudly to some Christian song he was playing on the ride to the restaurant. For the first time I didn’t feel like just one person- just Gabrielle Carter. I felt like a member of something larger- a unit of a group. Being on my own always felt the safest, but somehow sitting there cramped in the Hanson family van I felt more secure than ever.
At the restaurant Taylor ordered the ribs and made sure to lick his fingers loudly in front of Zac. You’d think it might have turned me off, but somehow I discovered it only made me love him more.