Seventeen: Threatening Vodka
Diana followed me home in order to tell my mother about the news. I knew it was the right decision as I pulled into my neighborhood and cringed at the people around me. Two barefoot children stood throwing rocks at the side of their house. At the next house, a man stood out by his car with a line of beers next to his car. Taylor was right. This was not where I belonged. I watched Diana in my rearview mirror as she frantically looked around the neighborhood, taking it all in like Taylor had the first time he was there. When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed Brad’s car. It only secured my decision. My mother had Brad again. She didn’t need me. I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty though as I got out of the car and waited for Diana to join me in front of the house.
“This is your home?” Diana smiled, getting out and walking over to me.
I smiled. “You don’t have to make it seem better than it is and call it… quaint or anything like some people do. I hate it here, even if it is home,” I nodded.
I pushed the flimsy, screen door open and walked into my house where my mother was sitting on Brad’s lap with a cigarette in her hand. If I hadn’t brought Diana to my house to help me escape, I would have felt embarrassed of her seeing my lifestyle. But all I cared about at that exact moment was getting out.
“Did you miss me Gabrielle!?” Brad laughed as I walked in. “Guess who’s home again baby!”
My mother batted her eyes at me. “Brad’s back.”
I watched as both of their eyes fell behind me on Diana Hanson.
“Hi,” Diana smiled at them, still seeming unfazed by the whole situation. If she was anything like her son though, she was good at playing cool when she was nervous. “I’m Diana Hanson. You must be Gabrielle’s Mom.”
My mother glanced at me before setting her cigarette down and getting off Brad’s lap. She sat next to him and looked pointedly at Diana.
“I’ve heard about you. What can I do for you?”
I stepped close to Diana protectively and decided to talk to my mother before Diana did. I didn’t want Diana to have to put herself into a difficult situation when she didn’t know how to deal with my mom.
“Mom, I’m glad that Brad is back because now you won’t be alone. I don’t know how you’re going to take this, but I’ve decided that I’m going to move out and move in with the Hanson’s.”
“I wanted to talk to you about it in person with Gabrielle,” Diana said quickly.
“Oh, Gabrielle!” My mother said, standing up and pacing in the living room before walking off towards the kitchen and leaning forward against the counters. “You’re even too good for this house now!?”
I was so sick of fighting with her.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“Gabriella… you snotty bitch!” Brad yelled at me from the couch, standing up angrily.
The son of a bitch didn’t even know my first name. What the hell?
I stepped closer to Diana and turned away from him to focus my attention on my Mom. Brad didn’t have a say. I didn’t care what he called me.
“Diana offered me a full-time nanny job where I can still go to school, and I would need to live with the Hanson’s.”
“This is all about that boyfriend of yours isn’t it? You just want to sleep with him every night?” My mother snapped bitterly. “You can’t move. I’m telling you that you can’t.”
“What do you want me around for! You don’t talk to me! You don’t like me! What, so I can pay for groceries and make dinners? I’m 18 years old, and legally you don’t have a say in where I go! So I suggest you do what’s best for me unless you want me to resent you even more than I already do for the rest of my life! I’m leaving whether you’re okay with it or not, so we can make this easy or we can make this difficult. You should be happy for me! I’m getting out of here! You’d get out of here if you could too. Don’t act like you wouldn’t! You hate it here just as much as I do, and I know you’re probably jealous of me, Mom, but the least you could do is be happy that your daughter is going to be happy! I’m not happy here. I will be happy there.”
I had never said so much to her in my life, but I wanted her acceptance. I knew I could just up and leave even if she didn’t like it. It was my decision. I was 18 and there was nothing stopping me. But despite how much I hated my mother, and how much I resented the life she’d raised me in, somewhere deep down I needed to know she supported me.
She looked at Diana indignantly, but didn’t say anything.
“Mom, please be happy for me. I get to make money to save for college, I get to live away from… from you and Brad fighting and Bobby bothering me… you know I hate living here. You know you’d take this opportunity too. I’ve lived here with you for 18 years, but I’m grown up now, Mom. Please… I need you to be happy for me. I know it’s scary to lose me so suddenly, and you didn’t see it coming, but you should have. I’m not happy living here. Don’t you see how good this is for me?”
To my surprise, my mother gripped the counters and dropped her chin to her chest, letting out a soft whimper.
“Mom… Mom, I want to know you understand why I’m doing this. Please.”
She nodded her head heavily and wiped the tears from her eyes, looking up at me. Then she looked back at Diana.
“Will she have her own room? I don’t want her sharing a room with your son… she’s only 18.”
The statement was strange, considering my mother was younger than me when I was born and she never really gave a damn about me before, but I knew it was her way of coping and I didn’t care.
Diana smiled. “I completely agree. My son is a good kid, but he’s a teenage boy. I feel the same as you. We’ve got a room for her on the other end of the hall.”
“You can’t actually be letting her move in with these snobs!” Brad said, turning to my mother. He was jealous. I was getting what he knew he’d never have- a relatively happy life.
“Brad, it’s her decision. She’s right. I would do it too if I were her.”
I walked hesitantly over to my mother and stood next to her and patted her arm gently. We never hugged, and we weren’t about to start, but it was the thank you that I needed to offer her. My mother had rarely done anything selfless for me. But she was letting me go, and she knew that was the thing I needed most from her.
“Thank you…” I nodded. “I’ll visit. I promise. You can come over for dinner maybe…”
“I would love for you to,” Diana nodded.
My mother laughed bitterly. “I’m not going to enter that mansion you’re moving into. You might be comfortable with it, but I don’t need the money rubbed in my face.”
Diana probably felt offended but she just nodded courteously.
“I want to thank you for letting Gabrielle move in with us. She’s so great with the kids- she’s going to be a great help and we really enjoy having her around.”
Diana tried so hard to make it seem like she wanted me for the sole reason of needing my help, and a few weeks ago I might have believed it. But I knew the Hanson tactics well enough to know she was just saying what she thought she had to say to make me happy. “When are you moving out?” My mother asked, completely ignoring Diana.
“We thought… we were actually thinking I could pack up and leave tonight.”
My mother nodded stoically as the reality of it slowly sunk into her. Her daughter of 18 years was leaving her. I’d imagine she saw the benefits in it- such as being able to have sex on the kitchen table and not having to pay for my food- although usually I was the one buying groceries anyway. I know it hurt her too, and I didn’t blame her. But my entire life I had put myself aside. In fact, my mother had put me aside too. It felt good to both stand there and put me first.
“Want me to come into your room and help you with some things that I can take home with me now, and then you can bring the rest of your stuff by tonight?”
I nodded, giving my mom a tight smile and leading Diana into my bedroom. There wasn’t much to pack. I had three drawers worth of clothes, two boxes of books, and a shelf of childhood memories such as toys, a few framed pictures, and crafts I’d done in elementary school. I found some boxes from the closet and quietly, thoughtfully, we began packing my life up. My old life. This was a new beginning.
“Does Taylor know yet?” I asked, carrying a box out to her car with her and carefully placing it into the trunk of her humongous SUV.
She placed a box next to it and closed the trunk. “He knew I was asking. The whole family knows I was asking. We had a family meeting about it last night.”
Oh god. I was moving into a house that actually had family meetings. How Brady Bunch… I grinned at the prospect.
“You want to be the one to call him and tell him that you said yes?” she smiled. “You might want to cancel that date tonight if you want time to get settled. Dinner will be at 7. Don’t be late,” she smiled.
I grinned back. Oh god. It was true. It was all true… it was all really happening.
“Although, if you want extra time with your Mom, I’d understand you missing dinner… but just this once!” she teased, reaching out and pulling me into a hug. I had a feeling it was going to be a big hugging day in general. I’d already received three from her and it was only three in the afternoon.
When I walked back inside, my mother and Brad were arguing in the kitchen. They both turned to look at me as I let the door slam behind me.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to your mom!” Brad yelled. “Who do you think you are?!”
“Leave her alone!” My mom yelled in my defense, for once. “She deserves to go. Gabrielle has been a good… a good daughter. You know nothing about the life we’ve had together for 18 years, Bradley. She deserves to go.” She nodded affirmatively.
“You’re both nuts…” Brad grumbled, grabbing a pack of cigarettes from the coffee table and pushing past me to go outside.
I gave my mother a thankful look and took the phone in my hand, slowly dialing the Hanson’s phone number for the second time that afternoon.
Taylor picked up again. Did the boy have a life?
“Heeeeello?”
I laughed. “Do you have to be so flamboyant in the way you pick up the phone?”
I could tell he smiled. “Yes. Do you have to be so critical each time you call me?”
“I’m sorry,” I relented. “And I’m also sorry because I have bad news.”
“What…”
“I have to cancel for this evening. Something came up,” I teased, trying my best to hide the excitement that was threatening to spill over my voice.
“What? Why? What came up…? What could be more important than your loving, caring boyfriend?”
He was loving his title. I knew it.
“I’m moving,” I said slowly. “And I need to get myself unpacked tonight.”
“No fucking way,” he beamed. “You are?! You really are?! You said yes, Gab?”
“Of course I said yes,” I mumbled into the phone, glancing hesitantly at my mom who was looking into the fridge. “Let’s see… at your beautiful home with the beautiful Hanson family and my even more beautiful boyfriend,” I said, stroking his ego due to my good mood. Hey, maybe I liked the title too. “Or stay in this shack with two alcoholics… three if you count Bobby who sometime joins in the drinking fun.”
“It sounds like it was a hard decision. I’m so glad you said yes, Gab. I’m so glad you’re doing this for yourself.”
“It’s not just for me!” I said defensively. “Your mother said I’d be a big help!”
“You would be! Trust me, Mom is stressed out to the max lately,” he coaxed. “So what’s the plan for the night? When are you going to show up…?”
I looked nervously at Mom. Perhaps it would do some justice to have one final meal with her. It would probably be a TV dinner standing in the kitchen, but maybe I owed her that much.
“After dinner. I’ll come by around 8, okay?”
“You owe me a date though,” he smirked. “Although now that you’re going to be living right now the hall… everyday can be date night…”
“Haha! I don’t think so. I’m sure your mother will probably lecture you about that, in fact.”
“Oh, she already has,” he laughed. “More than once too.”
“I’ll see you when… I move in,” I grinned- the words feeling like heaven as they escaped my mouth. Move. In. I was moving. Into the Hanson’s house. Holy shit.
“Alright, see you tonight. Want me to embarrass the both of us and make little kissy noises into the phone before I hang up?”
“Oh, please do,” I rolled my eyes.
He laughed and kissed the phone a few times. “Have fun packing.”
I probably should have felt sick to my stomach by our sappy display of affection, or at least ashamed that I had fallen to the level of actually enjoying my boyfriend making kissing noises into the telephone before he hung up. But I didn’t. I simply… enjoyed it.
I hung up and immediately went back to my room to sort through some old stuff in the closet and see if there was anything I actually needed. After two hours of searching and cleaning it out, all I came out with was a pair of snow pants, a string-less guitar I’d found at a garage sale for 1 dollar when I was a kid, and a stack of records. I boxed them up and carried the 6 remaining boxes, the majority of my life, into my car.
When I went back inside, I had every intention of offering to help heat up some dinner and spend the evening saying goodbye to my mom. But her and Brad were fighting again in the kitchen. He was cornering her up against the counter.
“If you’re going to cry about it, tell her she can’t go! If you’re going to let the spoiled brat walk out of here and do whatever she wants, then be tough about it!” he yelled. “This is getting ridiculous!”
“Get away from her!” I yelled as I slammed the screen door and glared at him. She’d stuck up for me. I guess I figured I owed her the same.
He turned and looked at me. “Gabrielle, shut the fuck up right now. Did you hear me? Shut the fuck up.”
I glanced at the half-consumed bottle of Vodka sitting on the counter. That’s the Vodka threatening me, I told myself, and Vodka was dangerous when it was angry.
“Fine,” I mumbled, walking carefully into the kitchen and opening a cabinet. “Do you want me to make both of you dinner?”
“Don’t touch the cabinets!” Brad yelled, turning away from my mom and stalking over to me. “You don’t live here anymore. Don’t touch anything.”
I glanced at my Mom, closed my eyes for a second, and tried to stay calm. Then I looked Brad right in the eye and spat, “And you don’t live here either. Until I see you put a dime into this house, then you can’t touch anything either. You’re a guest. Don’t tell me what to do in the place I’ve lived in for the past 8 years.”
“I’m a guest, huh?” He said, breathing his alcoholic breath down my neck. Suddenly, he grabbed an empty pot sitting on the stove and chucked it across the room. It hit the wall and then rolled down the hallway with an echoing crack. “Would a guest do that?”
“A drunk one…” I mumbled, trying to step away from him and leave the kitchen. Suddenly, his hand wrapped around my arm and he jerked me to look at him.
“Don’t you talk to me like that, Gabrielle! Don’t you-”
“You don’t have any right to say anything to me!”
“Gabrielle, just ignore him!” My mother yelled from across the room. “Let go of her, Brad! Just let go of her!”
“Fuck off, Amy,” he spat in her direction.
“Don’t you talk to HER like that,” I yelled at him.
In one swift movement his hand rose and hit me in the face, his palm making contact with my cheek. It all looked like one blur to me, and it all sounded like one blur too. It wouldn’t say it hurt all that much, but I knew whatever happened next probably would. My mother grabbed Brad and struggled to pull him away from me, which allowed me to escape his grasp, grab my keys, and run for the door.
I could hear my Mom screaming behind me and Brad screaming at her in an angry, alcoholic tone. I stopped as I reached the door to look behind at the scene in the kitchen, sad that that was how my last day living at home was going to end, and guilty about leaving my mom like that.
“Gabrielle, go!” She yelled from the kitchen, turning back to scream at Brad who was cornering her once again against the counters.
I yanked the door open, stepped out into the freshly dark night, and just made it over to the side of my car before the tears began to fall. I didn’t know why I was crying exactly. I was happy to leave, I really was. I was thrilled to never have to spend another night, hopefully, in that shack and to see a future ahead of me that was both happy and safe. But at the same time all I ever knew was the dingy, poor neighborhood and dysfunctional screaming inside. It defined me, to a certain extend that Taylor didn’t recognize. Sure, maybe I had taught myself to rise above it all, but so much of me was identified by exactly what I was running from. Would I still be me when I got into my nice SUV and pulled into my new seven bedroom home? Would I still be Gabrielle Carter, and I guess the even bigger question was did I want to be? Yes, I did, I concluded as I stood there leaning against the car and trying to stop the tears from falling, my keys clasped in a fist at my side. I still wanted to be me… and maybe it was possible that all of this… I looked around my neighborhood. Maybe my life so far had smothered who I truly was to a certain extent.
I looked at the black, muscular dog across the street tied up to the fence. He lazily walked around sniffing at toys that were scattered in the yard. I looked left at the trailer next door- the lights all on and the screen door swinging open and closed as a lady came out and hung clothes on a line attached to a telephone pole.
It was bittersweet to open the car door and get into the drivers seat. It was eerie, in fact, to start the car. I’ll be back, I thought, as I pulled out of the driveway and peered into the kitchen where they were still fighting. At least there were no punches being thrown, I thought remorsefully.
As I drove out of the neighborhood and headed towards my new home, it was both saddening and relieving to know that the world I had grown up in was on it’s way to becoming a fading memory. I’d be back to visit my mom once in awhile. I gave myself the responsibility of making sure she was still okay, despite the fact I knew she was never okay in the first place. But for the most part, I was done with that neighborhood. I was truly rising above it.
I was tossed from the storm composed of hungry children, miserable wives, and abusive fathers, and I was, for the first time, crawling my way onto dry, warm land.