Fifteen: Normality
The last thing I wanted was to have to call Taylor on Wednesday and ask him to pick me up, but my mother had taken my car out to do some grocery shopping, she claimed. As soon as I’d come in through the door and set my keys down on the counter, she’d disappeared with them by the time I came out of the bathroom.
“Hello?” a girl’s voice asked into the phone at the Hanson house.
“Hi, is Taylor there?”
“Is this Gabrielle? This is Avery.”
“Hey Avery!”
“I think Taylor’s out trying to get a tan, and we keep telling him it’s 60 degrees out and March, but he’s still laying out there in his swimming trunks.”
I laughed at the mental image. “How long has he been at it?”
“About two hours,” she giggled. “I’ll go get him for you.”
A few minutes later, there was a rustling on their end of the phone and his voice came through the receiver. “Whats up?”
“How’s the tanning going?”
He paused before replying, “Shut up…” he chuckled, “You’ll all be jealous when I’m a few shades tanner than the rest of you pasty fools are.”
“Oh god, how will we survive?”
“Why are you disturbing my sun bathing? What’s up?”
I sighed and flopped down on the couch, staring aimlessly at the channel my mom left playing on the television hours before and fingering the cord on the phone.
“I need you to pick me up…”
“Why can’t you drive here?”
“My mom has the car,” I sighed. “I didn’t let her Taylor. I told her she couldn’t have it. But as soon as I got home from school, she took the keys from me and sped off.”
“Your mom is a fucking lunatic, Gabrielle.”
I heard someone reprimand him in the background.
“What is her problem? I paid for that car and that insurance! She is not allowed to drive that! It’s yours! Does she honestly have no shame in stealing her daughter’s car?”
“I doubt that she does. When I was 12 a local church dropped me off some new toys, and she took the toys and returned them to the Wal-Mart, and bought herself a new blow dryer.”
Taylor was silent.
“Taylor?”
“I’m just so pissed.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No! Not at all. I’m furious with your mom. I’m going to come by and talk to her, give her a piece of my mind.”
“I don’t think so,” I warned. “I’m not comfortable with that. Please don’t.”
“But Gabrielle! What can I do to fix this? You tell me, and I’ll do it.”
“You can come and pick me up,” I sighed.
He arrived at my front door about thirty minutes later in his bathing suit shorts, a t-shirt, and his usual Oakley sunglasses. Oh, and not to forget a pretty deep sunburn on his cheeks and nose. I glanced at him out the window and chuckled.
“Come in!” I called out to him as he knocked.
He pushed through the front door and looked over at me. I was sitting at the counter eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese, trying to shove the food down my throat as quick as possible.
“I’m sort of running late,” I muttered. “Nice sun burn.”
“It’ll fade into a tan,” he grumbled, walking over to me and standing ridiculously close to me like he wanted to do something but didn’t know what.
“Want to do me a favor and get my homework packed up for me? My books are in a pile on my bed.”
He made a face, “Are you going to bring homework to my house?”
“I have to. I have so much to do. I spent the afternoon fuming about my mom that I’ve hardly started it.”
He groaned but wandered into my bedroom. It took him a suspiciously long time to return to the kitchen with my books, and I assumed he was walking around snooping and looking at my things. But I had hardly anything to look at. What did I care? He returned with an innocent smile.
“Let’s go. I’m hungry. I missed dinner since I came here to cart your ass home,” he smirked.
I rolled my eyes and tagged along behind him, bracing myself for a night of trying to balance my attention. Like usual, I figured both Mackenzie and Zoe would be fighting for my attention, and then just to make matters work Taylor would be making sulky faces across the room at me because I was busy doing my job.
*****After I made cookies with Mackenzie and Zoe with the dough that Diana had left out for us, I brought them up to bed and was relieved when they were both too exhausted to request more than one book. They got into bed without a fuss. I went downstairs to the couch and took out my books to start my homework, but as usual Taylor had been listening from his bedroom to hear when his siblings were put to bed.
“Gabrielle…” he voice came from behind the couch. I didn’t even have to turn and look at him to know he was grinning devilishly. He flopped down on the couch next to me and leaned down to look at the book in my lap. “Whatcha doing?” v “It looks like I’m doing some math homework, eh?”
He rolled his eyes and took the book from me, examining it carefully. “You can really do this stuff?” He finally asked with an impressed look on his face.
“Yeah. It’s calculus.”
“I was going to take the book from you and answer a problem to show you just how bright I am, but I don’t even know where to start with these equations. This is tough shift. I never had to go beyond algebra and geometry in high school,” he confessed. He tossed the book back into my lap. “You’re one smart girl, Gabrielle.”
“I was… before I met you. Now I’m falling behind in all my classes because you never let me do my homework,” I gave him a fake glare.
“You love it,” he grinned. “I can’t believe your mom took the car from you…”
I sighed. “Taylor, I was doing a good job of forgetting about that. Do you think you could maybe not keep talking about it…?”
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “That just really pisses me off, not for my sake but for yours.”
“It makes me feel like you think you wasted a gift on my mother.”
“What!” he said, “No. I couldn’t care less about not having that car anymore. I just wanted you to have it, and I’m pissed that she’s taking it from you.”
When I didn’t reply, just went back to my homework, he stopped talking- for once. I could tell though by the way he was looking up to the right though that he was thinking, and it was only a matter of time before he started rambling and interrupting me again. I bet ten dollars he would bring up the incident in the car on my birthday, I told myself.
Sure enough…
“So Wednesday night…” he started, picking at a big hole in the knee of his jeans. “That was fun huh?”
“Yeah,” I nodded as I typed some digits into the graphic calculator my math teacher let me borrow from her for the year. “The singing and cake and what not… it was really cool.”
He sighed and put his feet up on the coffee table. “Well, yeah. That was fun. It’s always fun spending time with you. But I was talking about… I was talking about in the car. That was fun too huh?”
“Mildly enjoyable.”
“Gabrielle!”
I snickered at his frustration and tossed my pen down into the bind of my math book, turning to look at him. “Yes, Taylor?” “You’re mean…” he said, doing his best to act hurt and rejected. He put his face into his hands and pretended to cry- did a good job even of making his whole body shudder with fake tears.
“There are worst things in life than just being an okay kisser.”
He stopped his faking and looked up at me. “Are you being serious? I’m better than an okay kisser, Gabrielle! How can you say that?”
I tossed my head back against the couch and laughed. “Oh god…”
“No really! Am I really only just… okay? Decent?”
“It would kill you if I told you yes.”
“I am!?”
“Taylor!” I laughed. “I’m just messing around. You’re a fine kisser. Don’t worry.”
He bit his lip and stared at the grandfather clock ticking next to the fireplace for a moment, then looked back at me. “Just fine?”
How typical Taylor… he was bound to be questioning his kissing talent for weeks. It wouldn’t surprise me if he began practicing on a clamped fist in front of the mirror.
“I refuse to be involved in the explosion of your ego due to rapid swelling,” I sighed, going back to my homework. He was so self-centered. It was always about him, and how good he was, and how much everyone else loved him. It was what I liked and hated the most about Taylor.
“Haha… you are just too funny, Gabrielle Carter,” he rolled his eyes, clearly offended that I hadn’t sat there and thoroughly explained the elation I derived from kissing him. Just because I wouldn’t explain it to him, it didn’t mean it was nonexistent. “You’re never up front with me about things.”
“I’ve been plenty up front with you! I tell you exactly when you’re pissing me off and exactly when you’ve gone a step too far with the arrogant things you say.”
“No I mean…” he sighed, “Why won’t you tell me what you’re feeling? Gabrielle, I’ve begged you time after time again to tell me that you are feeling something for me too. I know you are. Wednesday in the car wouldn’t have happened if I was really just your really good, really arrogant…”
I smirked at his joke about himself. It was refreshing to see him admit his ego.
“…really handsome friend.”
Or not.
“You are too much!” I rolled my eyes.
He cracked and smile but it fell just as quickly. “I’m serious, Gab. You’re doing that mixed signal thing that girls do. One minute you’re kissing me and the next you’re pushing me away. It’s draining. Tell me that you like me.”
“And lie?”
“You know it’s the truth. I know it’s the truth. Gabrielle, my entire family knows you want me.”
I gave him a stern look.
“Just tell me. It’s easy. Say this. Taylor… I’m going to stop closing myself off to you. I’m going to tell you the truth. I want you. I need you. Make passionate sex to me. Right here, right now.”
I laughed and buried my face into my hands like Taylor had a moment before, my skin turning a shade deeper.
He smiled to himself and studied his jeans again. “I’m serious…”
I swallowed and looked him in the eyes. He was serious. I wanted so badly to just toss my math homework aside, leap into his lap, and explain it all. I liked him- almost everything about him. I saw something in him I had never seen in anything else and I needed him in my life. I needed to be close to him. I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted him to hold me, and I wanted to give my pride up to him. It sounded so easy inside my head, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I don’t know exactly what I was afraid of. His parents? Vulnerability? The feeling that I was undeserving of Taylor’s friendship, and even more so of his affection, kept lingering in the back of my mind.
“Gabrielle…” he let out a breathy sigh of exhaustion.
“Taylor… I just…”
“Are you just leading me on? Is that what?” he narrowed his eyes and spoke in an icy voice. “Is that what this is? Are you just kissing me to mess with my head and… maybe I’m reading you wrong! Maybe you don’t really like me… at all. But you’re doing a damn good job of pretending you do.”
“I’m not trying to mess with you. I’m just confused.”
“What is there to be confused about! Look at me!” he said, turning and pulling closer to me, looking me right in the eye. “Look at me. When you look at me, does anything go off in your head? I look at you and I think… I want her. I really, really want to be with her. And I’m not just talking about sex. Sex is good. Sex is fun and I am not going to sit here and say I haven’t had a fantasy a time or two about having sex with you.”
I blushed, suddenly not minding his rambling and yet wanting him to stop so badly all at once.
“But this is going to be the last time I lay this down for you. Okay? This is the last time I’m going to sit here, throw down my pride, and tell you that I want to be with you. I want to spend more time with you, I want to kiss you, I want to have you as mine… but if you don’t want me back, then I’ll stop. I’ll stop right now and right here and never bother you about it again if you don’t feel the same way back. Don’t make a mistake. Tell me the truth,” he said, taking a big breath of air. In a breathy voice he added, “Do you or don’t you?”
I shook my head instinctively.
“Gabrielle…”
“Not like you like me.”
Liar! I yelled at myself. Stop lying to the poor guy!
“Yes you do!”
I gave him another stern look and he slapped his hands on his knees and stood up. “Okay,” he nodded, obviously doing his best to stay calm. “I’m sorry to hear that, but okay. You’re… you’re missing out on something that could be really good though.”
I sighed as he walked out the room and stormed up the stairs. What had I done? Why couldn’t I be honest with him! He was right when he told me before that it wasn’t about keeping my job. I loved the Hanson’s and the money I got by working for them, but I would gladly give up my job for Taylor. That was certain. Something else was holding me back.
I tried to go back to my school work, but I couldn’t concentrate. He kept running through my mind and my heart kept yelling ‘liar!’ at my mind.
“I like him! I could probably even love him!” my heart bellowed at my mind.
“You don’t deserve him! He’s normal and rich and functional! You should be dating your own kind!” my mind screamed back.
“He apparently approves of me! He wants me! It can’t be all that wrong if he’s on his knees practically begging for me!”
“He’s confused. He thinks you’re something you’re not.”
I sat there for thirty minutes as my heart and mind argued. I must have gotten two math problems done the entire time, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. It was beginning to feel like nothing mattered any longer except for Taylor. In a moment of insanity, or perhaps sanity, I leapt up from the couch determined to do what I should have done thirty minutes earlier. I dropped my book on my couch and bound up the stairs, knocking swiftly on Taylor’s door. I wanted to push it open, burst through it, and jump into his arms in the name of romance. But with my luck I figured he’d be standing there ass naked teaching himself to kiss better in the mirror… or something completely awkward like that.
“Uhhh… come in,” his voice said quietly. When I opened the door he was lying flat on his back with his cell phone in his hand, opening it and closing it over and over again. He sat up when he saw me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, stepping into his room and walking over to his bed. I stood nervously next to it. “I’m sorry… for not being open and honest with you… I really am.”
His _expression brightened just a bit but I could tell he was trying to keep himself calm again.
“Then why don’t you tell me the truth now. Sit down.”
I sat down hesitantly on the side of his bed and looked over at him. If I was going to tell him, I was going to tell him the right away and not stare away from him like a coward.
“Taylor… let me be honest with you, okay?”
He nodded.
“I cannot tell you how long I’ve been feeling the same way you feel… and how much more intense it’s gotten recently. God… I didn’t even think it was possible to like someone that you only knew for what… just over a month? But… something has been keeping me from telling you how I feel.”
“So I was right…” he grinned.
I rolled my eyes at him. Leave it to him to gloat about being right the moment I’m confessing my true feelings for him.
“Go on,” he corrected himself.
“I feel like I don’t deserve you. And I don’t say that because I’m like… oh wow, famous, cool, rock star Taylor.” I smiled at him. “In fact, you’re far from that in my mind. I just… you’re normal. And you come from a functional family and you have money and you’re… you’re superior to me.”
He stared at me for a moment before letting out an explosive laugh. “I’m normal? Gabrielle! You met me when I was walking around your neighborhood boldly looking for someone to interview about poverty. What about that says normal to you?”
I smiled.
“I’m 18 years old and I have probably… five friends who I’m not related to- one of them being you. My job is to lay around my house with a guitar in my lap all day putting together lyrics, and when I’m not doing that I spend the afternoon tanning. What about me is at all normal?”
I sighed. “You just come from a completely different world…”
“You’re clearly not like the environment you grew up in! Some people would have grown up in your situation to be exactly like your mother! They would have been lazy, selfish…” he studied my face to see if I was offended. I wasn’t. “They would have repeated her mistakes in their own life. But you clearly weren’t meant for the life you were born into it. It’s obvious by your determination, your pride, your morals that you don’t belong in the same world your mother does. You look like your mom, and you might have parts of her DNA, but damn, Gabrielle. You’re nothing like her. I don’t know why you always identify yourself by your mother’s problems.”
I paused at his comment. I had never realized that before. I always considered that I was poor because my mother was poor. I was trashy because my mother was trashy. I was lazy because my mother was lazy. Was it possible that in reality I was nothing like the woman who had pretended to raise me my entire life?
“I have high standards,” he raised an eyebrow at me. “I know you’re going to say this is arrogant, because you think everything I say is arrogant when it’s merely just confident.”
“Hah!” I laughed to lighten the mood.
“But I have high standards, Gabrielle. I want the whole package. You know how many girls I have to choose from. I might not be in the same position as Brad Pitt, but I have quite a few girls that would be more than willing to date me. But there’s something I see in you that tells me you’re worth my time. I would never date anyone remotely like your mother.”
Somehow, his words gave my heart the courage to stick up to my mind. It was if my mind was just exhausted of having to be strong all the time, and I just wanted to give in to him. How long had I wanted to give in to him without letting myself? I crawled farther onto his bed and crawled up to him so I was sitting next to him.
“I’m sorry I’m so difficult,” I sighed.
“I was telling Isaac all about it, and he thinks that that’s the reason I like you… among many other things as well. You’re a challenge.”
I slid down on his bed and leaned my head against my shoulder. What was happening to me? I was becoming… mushy.
Taylor wrapped an arm around me and let out a relieved sigh. “I knew you liked me… I knew it…” He laughed smugly.