The Tempest Tossed

When I woke up, the room was completely bright and Gabrielle was gone. I sat up and looked around her room, slightly confused about where I was and why I was there. It took a few seconds for everything to register. Gabrielle walked into the room in work clothing putting earrings into her ears.

“You’re awake,” she said and walked right by me over to her bathroom. I noticed she didn’t make eye contact which was usually a bad sign with Gabrielle.

“When are you leaving for work?” I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair and glancing at the digital clock beside her bed. 8:42.

“Any second,” she said from the bathroom where she was putting on mascara. I was guessing her “I don’t wear make-up because I’m too liberal” phase was over. Good. She looked pretty with make-up. She looked pretty no matter what, but still.

“You could have kicked me out when you woke up.”

She shrugged at me in the mirror. “Oh well. But you should be heading out now so I can finish getting ready and…”

“Okay…”

“I’ll give you a call sometime.”

What was this? Did the night before mean anything? I wasn’t feeling up to dealing with one of her stand offish moods.

“Are you annoyed with me?” I asked her.

“No, no. I’m just trying to get ready, Taylor, and you’re distracting me.”

I had hardly said a single word!

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, okay,” she nodded and turned away from the mirror. “I saw your keys on the kitchen table.”

Was that my cue to start to act like I was leaving? I stood up and glanced at her before wandering out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. I stalled, carefully picking up my keys and looking around the house to see if I had anything else, although I knew didn’t bring anything. I just needed an excuse to wait for her to say something that wasn’t so cold.

She followed me out into the kitchen and took a sip of what I assumed to be tea. Over the summer when I slept over she always made me coffee in the morning and told me that I could leave when I was ready. We seemed to be on better terms than we were over the summer and here she was shoving me out the door.

“Okay…” I said, awkwardly side stepping in front of the door.

“I’ll call you.”

“Okay,” I nodded, fingering the door knob. “You’re sure you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

Why wouldn’t you be considering the way you’re acting, I wanted to ask.

“I am just nervous I’m going to be late to work, Taylor ,” she clarified although she didn’t look too worried standing there in the kitchen carefully sipping her tea.

I nodded. “I understand,” I said, pulling open the front door. “Well, uh… thanks for letting me crash here for a few hours. Sorry about coming during the middle of the night.”

“No problem. See you!” she said, turning her back to me and opening the fridge as she said goodbye. Why wouldn’t she just look me in the eye and give me a real goodbye? Why was she acting so disinterested? I felt like a girl with all the questions I was asking, but I guess sometimes with Gabrielle, I was more of the girl in the relationship because she was often so emotionally protected and I… well I couldn’t be like that if I tried. I wore my emotions on my sleeve.

I wanted to say something more so I lingered for a moment in the doorway, but in the end I committed to being less of a woman and for once acting like a man. I wasn’t going to play Gabrielle’s games. I just wasn’t in the mood for them. Then again, maybe I would just throw my own games at her. Without a word, I stepped out of her apartment and closed the door. If she wasn’t going to give me a dignified goodbye, well then I wasn’t going to give her any goodbye at all.

I got in my car feeling shittier than ever. I was immediately regretting not pushing her for more information- not asking what the hell her problem was. It was beginning to feel like everything between Gabrielle and I was a series of extending and retracting. Extending. Retracting again.

We extended ourselves to each other- revealed things we didn’t usually reveal and loved each other like we wanted to… and then we got scared and retracted everything with avoidant eye contact and short, cold sentences. It’s like we had spurts of bravery which led to real moments- moments where we didn’t need to hide from each other. But those moments were short lived and we eventually had to find ways to take them all back. It was one big game. Maybe I was only 23, but after a marriage, two children, and an extensive career, I felt too old for games.

That afternoon I met my friend Ashley at Pei Wei for lunch. We sat at a table outside in scarves and sweaters eating bowls of fried rice while Ashley’s one-year-old son, Jax, crawled all over him like a jungle gym. I could hardly even look at Jax. He reminded me how far away my own children were. When Ashley went over to his car to change his son’s diaper, I pulled out my phone and frantically called Natalie. I suddenly had such a need to talk to my family.

“Hey Taylor ,” Natalie said cheerfully when I picked up the phone. I let out a sigh of relief. I may have loved Gabrielle, but Natalie was so much more simple. Did I make a huge mistake letting her go?

“Where are you guys?”

“We just passed Birmingham so we should be in Atlanta in a few hours. Not bad, huh?”

I nodded as I stared off at the people walking by. Had I made a huge mistake? Honestly, had I? Natalie was safe and she too loved me unconditionally… she just loved me in a different kind of way than Gabrielle did. Her love was stable… did I need that stability?

“How are the kids?”

“They’re pretty good. There was a pool at the hotel we stayed at last night so we swam last night and we let Ezra go in and get some energy out this morning too.”

I nodded, thinking of how even though my son grew up with a pool in his backyard, hotel pools were always a special treat for him. On tour when we arrived at hotels, his first question was always whether or not there was a pool. Sometimes we ended up taking him at midnight before bed. Being with my family on tour felt like decades ago.

“We just got McDonalds and now Penny is sleeping in the back and Ezra is listening to his MP3 player.”

I grinned at his little mini-MP3 player that the Easter bunny had left him in April.

“Well good… I’m glad the drive is going well,” I told her.

“How are you holding up?” Natalie asked. “The house seem quiet without us?”

I nodded slowly, closing my eyes and trying to keep myself composed. “It does,” I said, my voice feeling like it was going to squeak and give way to tears. God, I was such an emotional wreck.

“Well don’t worry,” I heard her smile through the phone. “The kids will be there before you know it… tearing the place up all over again.”

I couldn’t say anything. I crossed my arms on the table and laid my cheek down against my arms. Had I thrown everything away for a relationship that was never going to amount to anything?

“ Taylor ?”

Had I dismantled a perfectly good family for some fantasy I had- some fantasy that would never become anything more than that? Was life with Gabrielle impossible because of baggage we had that we could never really let go of?

“ Taylor , are you there? You okay?”

“I’m here,” I squeaked.

“Are you-”

“What if we made a mistake?” I said hurriedly into the phone. “What if I made a mistake… what if you shouldn’t have left?”

“ Taylor …” she sighed. “I wasn’t going to stay in Oklahoma and watch you move on with me. I’m not as strong as Gabrielle is. I can’t do that.”

I shook my head. “No, no, no. That’s not what I mean. What if we should have never separated at all…?”

“Don’t you think it’s kind of late to be asking that?”

I nodded. It was too late, but I still couldn’t help but wonder. Sure, everything with Gabrielle the night before felt amazing… but the morning reminded me of the ugly truth: no matter what, things would always be difficult with Gabrielle. She was stubborn and guarded. I was overly sensitive and possibly not strong enough to hold on while she figured things out. Maybe things between Gabrielle and I were impossible. I suddenly felt completely and utterly lonely.

“I don’t know what I’m saying,” I sighed into the phone. “I don’t know what I want right now, Natalie. I’ll let you go so I don’t make this situation worse. I’m just kind of freaked out about everything.”

“I understand.”

“I know you do… and I love that about you. Don’t ever lose that.”

“ Taylor …”

“Seriously Natalie… you’re wonderful and I’m sorry I’ve always taken it for granted. Thank you for not hating me after everything I’ve done.”

“I…”

“Don’t respond. Don’t tell me that you’re not wonderful or that it’s not admirable the way you treat me, because it is. I’ll let you go. Tell the kids I love them and call me when you get to Atlanta and check out the new place. I want to see pictures.”

“Alright… you take care Taylor . Take it easy, okay?”

I nodded and told her to take care too. I was just hanging up the phone when Ashley walked back over with a bouncing Jax in his arms. He smiled and sat back down at his spot, balancing Jax in his lap as he went back to his Chinese food.

“Sorry about that,” he smiled and then nodded at my bowl. “Not good?”

“It’s fine,” I shrugged. “I just don’t feel very hungry.”

“Uh huh…” he mused, holding out a piece of chicken to Jax and watching him eat it. He swung his legs in his fathers lap and hummed as he ate the food. “Taylor Hanson not hungry… what’s wrong?”

I shrugged. “Nothing.

I nodded and told her to take care too. I was just hanging up the phone when Ashley walked back over with a bouncing Jax in his arms. He smiled and sat back down at his spot, balancing Jax in his lap as he went back to his Chinese food.

“Sorry about that,” he smiled and then nodded at my bowl. “Not good?”

“It’s fine,” I shrugged. “I just don’t feel very hungry.”

“Uh huh…” he mused, holding out a piece of chicken to Jax and watching him eat it. He swung his legs in his fathers lap and hummed as he ate the food. “Taylor Hanson not hungry… what’s wrong?”

I shrugged. “Nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like a real nothing kind of nothing. That sounds like a something but I don’t want to talk about it kind of nothing.”

“I’m just second guessing.”

“Zac told me Natalie moved out yesterday. Moved back to Georgia ?” He waited for me to nod before continuing. “You questioning whether or not the divorce was for the best after all?”

I shrugged.

“ Taylor ,” he sighed. “Since when are you all closed up like this? You always explain what’s on your mind.”

“I know,” I mumbled. “And where has it gotten me? I’m a divorced 23-year-old chasing a woman who refuses to be caught. I’ve been so honest with Gabrielle, Ashley. Really honest. And she still rejects me. She still plays games with me. It’s not fair. Honesty and openness gets me nowhere.”

He shrugged. “That’s the girl you love. You don’t get to choose who you love. You know that better than anyone else I know. It sucks that the woman you want to be with is difficult, but that’s just how it is.”

He had a point. I’d always known that I didn’t choose to love Gabrielle- that it just happened. I certainly hadn’t wanted to spend four years lusting over her and destroying my marriage. It was inevitable though. It was out of my control, really.

I slumped down in my chair and rested my head against the back of it, closing my eyes and groaning. “I just wish she would give it up, Ash. Maybe I’m asking too much of her… I’ve been divorced for only a month so far. And Natalie just moved out. But c’mon… we’ve already waited- we’ve already wasted time. What is the point in stalling?”

He chuckled. “There is no point, and I’m sure she’s just as frustrated with herself as you are with her.”

“Maybe this will never amount to anything with Gabrielle. Maybe I’m fighting an impossible fight. Maybe Gabrielle will always have a guard up that I just can’t do anything about. I should just give up.”

He smiled. “You don’t mean that and I know it. Taylor , I have known you since you were how old?”

“Eight.”

“You have been writing songs about meeting that one perfect girl since the day I met you. And then I remember when you were 18 and you met Gabrielle. I remember you called me a few days after and you were just like… Ashley, I met the girl that I’ve always wanted to meet. She’s completely different from everyone else I know.”

I chuckled and shrugged. “That’s for sure,” I said, pushing my food away from me. I just wasn’t in the mood to eat- to enjoy anything.

“And it’s not like you didn’t know she would be difficult. I remember you told me she didn’t seem to have any interest in you and even thought you were a serial killer at one point.”

I laughed, remembering when I was first taking Gabrielle to my house and she got out of the car and started running away from me. She was paranoid back then.

“You never thought this was going to be easy, Tay . You’ve known from day one that Gabrielle was going to be a struggle, so don’t act surprised that this isn’t simple. She’s come a really long way, you have to admit.”

“Oh definitely,” I agreed. “I remember having to beg her to get into a dress and dance with me… and when she first moved into our house years ago, she took 2 minute long showers in the dark.”

“In the dark!?”

“To save electricity,” I laughed, remembering all the weird things Gabrielle used to do years ago. “She saved everything… I swear, if you ate half an apple, she’d put the half-chewed up apple into a plastic bag to save for later. Then when you didn’t eat it, she did. And when she was done eating it, she’d wash out the bag and reuse that. She thought everything was wasting food. She was horrified when she watched Zoe throw out her pizza crust.”

Ashley laughed and shook his head, holding his cup of water out to Jax to take a drink. I remember when Penny had learned to drink out of a regular cup too. “And she’s better about stuff like that now, right? Not that you can go out to eat with Gabrielle and not expect her to take part of her meal home, right down to the rolls,” he smirked. “But still, she’s not quite as neurotic.”

“She’s better about a lot of stuff,” I conceded. “You can do nice things for her now without her asking why you’re doing them and her trying to figure out what she owes you. You can sit and talk to her and she’ll actually tell you what she’s upset about, and if you tell her what you’re upset about, these days she actually knows what to say back to you.”

“Well I’d hope so. She’s a counselor, right?”

“Yeah, but still. She couldn’t always do that. She wasn’t taught how to comfort people until she was 18.”

Ashley nodded and pushed his food away from him too. “ Taylor , after all this time and all this progress, you’re going to just give up? Just because you’re lonely right now without a woman at your side and just because Gabrielle is being her usual crazy self?”

I sighed. “I guess not. I guess I’m partly to blame too…. More than partly. She gave in and let her guard down completely when we were young, and I took advantage of her trust. I never meant to, but I did. I married someone else. I can’t be too surprised about her reluctance.”

He nodded in agreement

“Ashley, I just wish it were easier. I wish she didn’t have to play with my mind so much. I’m going to lose it one of these days.”

“No you don’t. If Gabrielle were easier, she wouldn’t be the same Gabrielle that you worship. Part of what you like about Gabrielle is she’s a challenge- she’s got that unique spunk that you love. The more she runs from you, the faster you chase her.”

“Does she do that purposefully?” I considered, for the first time, that maybe Gabrielle actually liked to be chased. Maybe she forced me to chase her. She never seemed like the type of girl to do that- that was always more of a Natalie thing- but maybe Gabrielle forced me to chase her own in her own Gabrielle kind of way.

“Who knows,” Ashley shrugged. “Maybe subconsciously. Gabrielle was never chased growing up. In fact, I don’t think she was really ever acknowledged. Maybe she likes how much you acknowledge her.”

“I do more than acknowledge her,” I rolled my eyes. “I profess my love for her and she still runs.”

“But that’s why you love her,” he reminded me with a finger point and a grin.

I sighed and slumped down even farther in my chair. He was right. That was one of the many reasons why I absolutely, completely adored her- no matter how difficult she tried to make it.

chapter 52