Fifty: Painting by Chagall
**I am not usually one to do this, and honestly, if I were the reader I probably would not do this, but there is a song that goes along with this chapter. If you’re a mild TTT fan, you probably do not need the soundtrack here, but if you consider yourself an avid, hardcore enthusiast of this story, I would say definitely humor me and download this song on itunes or something. Painting by Chagall- The Weepies. Not only is it my favorite song of all time now, but it sets the mood for this chapter. You may want to wait until it’s mentioned in the chapter to press play. Thank you**
When Zac told me to go see Gabrielle the next day, I think he meant at a normal hour of the day. But I had so much energy from sleeping all evening that by 4 am when we were finished with our pie and Zac was heading to bed, I still wasn’t anywhere close to falling asleep. I stood in my parents’ kitchen for awhile looking at the half eaten pie on the counter. We ended up just picking up a frozen pie from the frozen food section at the 24 hour Wal-Mart, but it tasted good all the same.
I carefully took a knife and sliced a piece of pie. I set it on a paper plate, wrapped it in tinfoil, and grabbed my keys from where I left them on the counter. With no sleeping wife to worry or exhausted children to risk waking, I ran over to my living room, tore through my CDs, and found an old 1996 Spin Doctors album. It felt young. It felt silly.
When I arrived at Gabrielle’s apartment with the pie balanced on my lap and the music blaring, I almost considered turning around and driving home. I’m sure she would think I was crazy for showing up at her house at 4:30 in the morning with my peace offering of pumpkin pie. As I sat in the car contemplating leaving, I reminded myself that with Gabrielle it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how stupid or crazy or ridiculous I was around her. It seemed that after almost five years, she loved me unconditionally, even if she hid it as much as she did.
I grabbed a sweatshirt from my backseat and pulled it over my head, grabbing the pie as I got out of the car. It was bittersweet to turn off my ridiculous 1990’s music. I took a big breath before a knocked and then before I could chicken out, I rapped my knuckles against the door loudly and stepped back. I waited a minute and there was no sign of her opening the door, so I pulled my cell phone out of my jeans pocket and dialed her number.
“ Taylor ?” she said in a sleepy voice when she picked up.
“Yeah, it’s me. What are you doing?” I asked, and then felt stupid for asking. I think it was safe to assume she was fast asleep.
“Sleeping… what time is it?”
I laughed since I had asked Zac the same thing just hours before. “You don’t want to know. Go get the door.”
“The what?”
“The door. Go answer the door,” I said, and knocked loudly again.
“I…. okay,” she said and I could hear her getting up from bed. I saw the light go on upstairs and then heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs. “ Taylor , it’s 4:30 in the morning.”
“I know. Open the door.”
The door opened a moment later and we stood there face to face with our cell phones to our ears, just staring at each other.
“Sorry for waking you,” I said into the phone while I stared at her.
“You’re okay,” she nodded. “Come in.”
I nodded and held my phone out to her- demonstrating how I was about to close it and put it in my pocket. She hung up too.
When I stepped inside, she closed the door behind me and looked at my hands curiously. “What is that?”
“Something I made for you,” I said and trudged up the stairs I had become so used to over the summer. It just like just yesterday that I had showed up to her house drunk for the very first time.
“And you had to deliver it at 4:30 in the morning?” she asked, slightly annoyed, slightly amused.
“Unfortunately so.”
When we stepped into her kitchen she turned on the bright fluorescent lights that I knew she hated and I set the paper plate down on the table. I peeled the tin foil off the top of it and revealed it to her.
“Pie?”
I nodded.
“Why pie?”
I shrugged. “Zac and I wanted to make pie. I figured you’d want some.”
She smiled and shook her head a bit, looking at the pie and then looking up and making eye contact with me. “It just so happens that when you woke me up with your phone call just moments ago, my first thoughts were that I was craving some pumpkin pie.”
I smiled and pulled the kitchen chair out for her to sit down, which she did.
“You see, I knew that. I had a feeling that would be the case so I came prepared.”
She laughed as I took a cup out of the cabinets I knew well and opened her fridge. I poured her a glass of milk and sat it next to her, setting a fork on the edge of the paper plate before I sat down next to her. She looked down at the plate of pie awkwardly before picking up her fork and eating it.
“Want some?”
I shook my head. “I ate half the pie at home. Trust me.”
“You really made this.”
I nodded. “Well,” I admitted with a laugh, “Heated it up after I bought it at the frozen foods aisle.”
She grinned and gave me a thumbs up as she took a drink. “Well done. You really know how to reheat a pumpkin pie.”
“Oh, lose the sarcasm and eat the fucking pie,” I rolled my eyes and sat back in the chair grinning at her. Truth be told, she looked adorable with her amused _expression and tousled pajamas. “I like the hair-do,” I added, nodding at her ruffled hair.
She ran her fingers through it self-consciously. “Pardon me for not blow drying and styling prior to your arrival.”
“It’s forgiven.”
She laughed and held out her fork to me. “Just have a bite. I can’t eat all of this.”
“Gross. I don’t want your germs,” I teased, feeling like the 18-year-old I was when I first met her. The air felt light as I sat there with Gabrielle. Lately it had felt so heavy so it felt freeing.
“Oh really?” she raised an eyebrow and ate the bite of pie herself. “Well… then forget anything else I had to offer.”
What was this? Was she actually flirting with me… like that?
“Did I say your germs? I actually meant the forks germs. You see, your germs are fine, but the fork looked very dirty when I first gave it to you.”
“I see.”
I nodded. “I don’t mind exchanging germs with you… as long as there’s no fork involved.” It was probably one of the least sexy things I’ve ever said to a woman, and it didn’t matter.
“Ahhhh,” she nodded, slowly standing up and stepping towards me. I tensed my body because I wasn’t sure what was about to happen but I figured it had to be good. Suddenly she got up and walked over to a kitchen drawer and pulled out a spoon. She held it up to me. “A spoon then?”
I tried to hide a smile and shrugged. “A spoon might work.”
She sat down and gave me a bite of the pie with the spoon and I nodded appreciatively. “Thank you for sharing,” I told her.
“Thank you for coming,” she said quietly and stood up to start cleaning up. I watched her rinse out her glass and then wave me over to the living room. I wanted to run after her, but I kept my head and followed her slowly. It was one of those nights where you can tell great things have the potential of happening, and you’re excited, but you’re paranoid one little thing will cause everything from crashing down.
I sat down next to her on the couch and rested my head against the back of it, closing my eyes and letting the feeling sink in. I was a bachelor. I was free to do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to kiss Gabrielle, sober, I needed to work up the courage to do it. Women don’t realize that no matter how old we men get, there is still always a pressure on us to make that first move and it’s scary. Our biggest fear is going for it too early and ruining everything that could be. I guess with Gabrielle it shouldn’t have mattered because she’d been with me through so much, but as comfortable as I felt around her, there was still that feeling of having an exciting adolescent crush on her.
“I really am sorry for coming at such a weird hour. I know you have work in the morning and…”
“Do I seem to care? I told you, if you need me then I’m here.”
I shook my head. She didn’t understand. “I don’t need you like you think I need you. I don’t want to talk about what happened today and I don’t want you to comfort me right now. I’m okay. Right now, I really am okay. I came because… because I wanted to see you rather than needed to see you.”
She nodded.
“I haven’t been here in awhile…” I said, making small talk that we didn’t usually need to make but feeling it necessary. If I didn’t, I might have said something too heavy for the mood. Instead, I looked around the apartment pretending to be observing it but seeing nothing but Gabrielle in my mind over and over again. “Did you just get that painting?”
She shook her head. I could feel her eyes on me, staring at the side of my face, but I didn’t look over and make eye contact. The second I made eye contact, it was over for me. I would have to lean in for the kiss and I wasn’t sure it was the right time.
I pointed at a cd display case. “New?”
She shook her head again. “It used to be in my bedroom.”
We could both feel the room beginning to feel awkward and it felt amazing. I felt young. I stood up quickly and walked over to the tower of cds. I kneeled down on the floor and began looking through them, trying to distract myself from thinking about what I wasn’t ready to think about.
“Mariah Carey?” I said, holding up a cd and frowning with distaste. I was able to look at her as long as I was making fun of her.
She laughed and looked up to the sky in the most adorable embarrassed way. “Shut up.”
“Gross,” I shuddered and put the CD back into the tower. I came across A Weepies album and excitedly pulled it out. “You own this?”
She squinted. “You gave it to me about a year ago.”
“I did?” I frowned. I didn’t even remember that. “Have you ever listened to it?”
“Not really,” she shrugged. “You can put it on?”
I stood up with it and wandered over to the cd player. “I really do feel bad for keeping you up at this hour. You can kick me out you know.”
“I went to bed early,” she replied. “You know I’d kick you out if I wanted to.”
I laughed. “I know,” I said and carefully placed the CD into the player. I closed it and stood there fiddling around with different buttons, trying to get the stereo to play the song I wanted and getting nothing but silence.
“Having trouble?” Gabrielle asked and stood up. She walked over to me and stood next to me, reaching over and turning the tuner to CD rather than tape.
“Who listens to tape anymore anyway…” I said sheepishly when it was so easy for her to fix.
I put “Painting by Chagall” on and listened to the cleansing music come through the speakers. I didn’t mean to pick a love song. Maybe it’s not. But it felt like it. Around Gabrielle, everything felt like a love song- all written about us.
Thunder rumbles In the distance A quiet intensity I am willful Your insistence Is tugging at the best of me You’re the moon I’m the water You’re Mars Calling up Neptune ’s daughter Sometimes rain that’s needed falls We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall All around is sky and blue town Holding these flowers for a wedding gown We live so high above the ground Satellites surround us I made eye contact. I didn’t mean to… but she was standing so close to me I could feel her presence so strongly that I had to look over and see her and… oh god. It was over. I felt myself moving close to her… reaching up a hand to her cheek. I watched her close her eyes…
I stepped back quickly and shook my head. “I want to dance with you,” I told her.
She stepped back too- halfway looking surprised- halfway looking embarrassed which was a rare look for Gabrielle. She was rarely embarrassed. “You what?”
“I have dreamed about dancing with you… for years. I can’t even remember the last time we danced together.”
“My dance. The only time we danced.”
I nodded and stepped close to her- holding out my hand and taking hers- lacing my fingers through hers. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her in close to me. Her fingers around my neck felt like heaven. How had I gone so long without dancing with her?
I am humbled
In the city
There seems to be an endless sea
Of people like us
Wakeful dreamers
I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster
Sometimes rain that’s needed falls
We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall
All around is sky and blue town
Holding these flowers for a wedding gown
We live so high above the ground
Satellites surround us
“You make my head spin…” Gabrielle said quietly as we danced. It was strange to here her so open.
“You make me crazy,” I agreed.
“I’m scared to let this happen all over again.”
“I’m scared to not let it.”
I stared at her as we danced and a feeling of warmness washed over me. It was a feeling I only got around her. It was a feeling that told me she was where I belonged. She was always where I belonged.
“I’m scared I’m going to kiss you,” I admitted to her- my voice no louder than a raspy whisper.
“I’m scared you’re not going to.”
I don’t see how anything could have stopped me at that moment. No matter how guilty I felt about parts of my life or how much I wondered if I deserved Gabrielle, I couldn’t have stopped myself from leaning in and pressing my lips to hers. I had kissed her hundreds of times when we were young. I had kissed her in June. But at that moment, it felt like a first kiss. It was perfect. It was beautiful.
And everybody says you can’t, you can’t, you can’t
Don’t try
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they’d fly
Like we do
The kiss didn’t last long. It was short-lived. After a moment, I pulled her in close to me and just held her close to my body. Hugged her. Clung to her.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly into her, closing my eyes as soon as I felt my eyes pricking with tears. “I’m sorry for everything, Gabrielle. I’m sorry for all the years.”
She nodded and for once, accepted my apology. “It’s okay.” She held me back just as tightly and for once, I didn’t feel like I loved her more than she loved me. Everything felt even.
“I don’t want to ever lose you. You’re the only thing I’m positive about. You’re the only crazy thing in my crazy life that makes perfect sense,” I mumbled into her ear, wiping frantically at my tears with my hand. “I’m such a girl, I’m sorry.”
She laughed and wiped at her own tears. “Me too.”
“I hope so!” I smiled and rocked gently back and forth with her- side to side. “I will never leave you again. Ever.”
“I won’t let you,” she shook her head.
I looked at her again and melted just by making eye contact. I leaned in and again and kissed her, only this time the kiss didn’t stop. It lingered for seconds, minutes… almost ten minutes before I pulled my lips away from her and dragged her towards her bedroom, saying hoarsely, “Don’t say no.”
“Taylor, I…”
I shook my head and looked at her intensely. “Gab, don’t say no. Please don’t say no. I need you.”
She didn’t say no because she couldn’t, because as soon as I had her in her dark bedroom, I pulled her down on the bed and began kissing her again. After almost four years, we hadn’t changed. It still felt like I was kissing the same Gabrielle Carter of my youth- the timid, nervous, beautiful Gabrielle that I had wandered over to one Sunday afternoon. In the past five years, it felt like I’d lived an entire lifetime, but at that moment- everything was simple again.
She pulled away and shook her head, sliding away from me and sitting up again. “Taylor, no. Not… not today. Not yet.”
“Why not?” I said, leaning into her and kissing her again.
“Just, no.”
“Give me a good reason…” my voice faded into the darkness.
She shook her head and moved away from me. “See, it’s times like these that remind me that you’ve changed. I think you know damn well enough that our history is a good enough reason, Taylor. Don’t act like I didn’t sleep with you days before you announced your engagement to me.”
I sighed. I knew it was fair of her to have her reservations. She had trusted in me when we were young and I had taken advantage of that trust. I had broken her heart after she had given it to me. I didn’t have a right to act justified.
“Gabrielle, I’m sorry,” I said, forcing myself to put her needs before my own selfish desires because honestly, I had to.
She stared at me for a moment- most likely exasperated- but instead of talking, she just laid back down next to me- resting her head against my arm that was stretched across the bed. She sighed again. “Okay,” she just said quietly.
I pulled her close to me and tried to just relax and force my mind and heart to stop racing. We had been so close. I kissed the top of her head gently and closed my eyes. “I am sorry,” I said. “I am.”
“Stop talking,” she whispered in a voice that wasn’t annoyed, but sleepy and content. I nodded. Sometimes our silences said the most.