Forty Nine: Lighter
I woke up about two hours after Natalie left to find my salty cheek pressed against the leather of my car and my legs completely cramped. Life felt really low. Everything felt dark, which was probably because I was in a pitch black garage, but still. Metaphorically.
When I walked into the house, my mother came racing over to me with a panic-stricken expression of her face.
“Where were you?!?”
“I fell-”
“Oh my goodness, Taylor! No one had any idea where you were!” she grabbed me and gave me a quick anxious hug. I felt like a four year old who had accidentally wandered away from my mother at a carnival, or something. “Walker ! He’s right here!” she called into the kitchen and dragged me over to it.
“Mom…” I sighed, wanting to remind her that I was 23 but somehow knowing it would actually make me less mature. “I fell asleep in the backseat of my car. I’m sorry. What could have happened to me though?”
“Anything!” she cried and showed me to my father. “Anything could have happened… we didn’t know.”
I sighed and leaned against the fridge, closing my eyes. God, I had a headache and I felt nauseous like I often do after I sleep during the day.
“Well I’m fine.”
“What were you doing in your car anyway?”
“Thinking.”
“Scaring us half to death… that’s what,” my father chuckled although I was pretty sure he had probably known I was fine all along and it had been solely my mother freaking out.
“Gabrielle!” my mom called towards the living room.
Gabrielle? She was still there? I’d figured she’d went to work already. I knew she had to.
“Taylor ’s fine! He was just sleeping in his car!”
Gabrielle wandered in from the living room and looked at me with a sigh of relief. Okay, maybe it wasn’t just my mother who I’d worried. I guess my suicidal, depressed phase earlier that year made everyone constantly worried about me, at least that’s what I attributed their extreme nerves to.
“Sorry,” I said to Gabrielle with a sheepish smile, and then glanced at my watch even though I knew it was 1:15 in the afternoon. “I thought you had work…”
“I called in,” she said quickly, and then because she knew I was starting to blame myself, she added, “I don’t’ feel too well.”
Leave it to Gabrielle to refuse to admit she actually called in to work because she was worried about me. I knew that was the real story.
“Uh huh,” I nodded, and glanced over at my mom. “I’m going over to my house for a bit mom. Sorry I worried you, really. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
She nodded back at me.
I dipped my head at my father and walked past them towards my part of the house. “Follow me, Gab,” I called over my shoulder, curious to see if she actually would.
I was pleased when I heard her footsteps behind me. I had nothing to say to her really, so I don’t know why I wanted her to come with me. I just felt like one of us had something to say. We walked in silence to my living room, past the big glass windows that revealed my little sisters playing in the pool despite the cold weather, and closed the door off to the rest of my family.
“You were worried,” I said matter-of-factly with my back to her, meandering into my kitchen. It was strange to see my kitchen without Natalie in it. There was hardly any sign of my children anymore. Sure, Ezra’s homemade magnets were still on the fridge and if I opened the cabinets I’m sure I’d find a stack of sippy cups, but where was the stickiness of my table? Where were pair of muddy size 4 Mary Janes by the back door? I had to hold onto a kitchen chair to brace myself, to calm down, to make myself stay completely composed in front of Gabrielle.
“Of course I was worried. I didn’t know what kind of condition you were in.
“Condition?” I asked, slightly offended. Was I suddenly part of her inner-city tribe of runaway youth? I kept my back to her and shrugged. “I was fine. Just tired I guess. You didn’t have to call out to work.”
“I know.”
I nodded. Suddenly I felt the presence of her palm on my back and I could smell the vague sweetness of her perfume. I hadn’t realized she was standing so close to me. I wanted her to stand closer but farther all at once.
“I know this is probably hard for you, Tay .”
“I asked for it. It’s what I wanted, right?” My voice was growing quieter by the moment. I didn’t want to speak. I didn’t want to think about any of it because I felt too guilty. “I wanted to be free of Natalie… and how many times did the kids drive me nuts and I just wanted them to go away. This is what I wanted.” I gestured at the empty kitchen. “This.”
“What’s this?”
“An empty kitchen. No kids. No wife. No responsibilities. I should be happy. I am happy.”
“And you’re sad too. It’s okay to be-”
“I shouldn’t be fucking sad!” I said through gritted teeth, arching my shoulders and trying to get her hand off of me. I didn’t deserve her comfort. I was in control of my own fate and my selfishness had lead to this… emptiness. It was no one’s fault but my own. “I think you should go.”
“I will if you want me to.”
‘I don’t want you to’ I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve anything at that moment except the reality of my house all to myself- the pain of realizing I had caused my own misery.
“I want you to,” I said quietly, keeping my eyes locked on the floor and taking in a big breath of air. Please don’t leave me… please don’t leave me…
She patted my back very gently and sighed. “Alright, Taylor . But if you need me, call. I’m going to go… I don’t know. Read. Walk around Barnes and Nobles. Pretend to read the backs of books while I stress over wondering if you’re okay.”
I nodded. I had more to say… I wanted to tell her I didn’t want her to leave but I didn’t deserve her to stay and I wished that she wouldn’t be so worried about me because I had never been that worried about her because I was selfish… but I didn’t. I knew speaking would launch into a conversation and crying and consoling on her part. I didn’t want that. I just nodded.
“You will call if you need me?”
I nodded.
“Alright…” she said, and I heard her slowly begin to back away. “Take care, Taylor .”
And there I was… leaning against a kitchen chair with my face to the floor all alone… coping with the pain of yet another thing I’d asked for- Gabrielle to leave. When I heard the door close behind her, the tears started to fall again and I wanted to hit myself. I felt pathetic crying about it… everyone but me deserved to cry. I was being ridiculous, irrational, infantile.
So I made macaroni. I decided to make macaroni and cheese to take my mind off of it all, but when I opened the cabinet there was only the kind shaped like little Scooby Doos. Ezra’s favorite. I threw the box across the room and watched it hit the wall and then fall to the ground.
I heated up a can of minestrone soup instead. I sat at the kitchen table staring at it for four hours before I finally dragged my body over to the living room couch and fell asleep again.
My phone woke me up and I immediately glanced at my DVD player to see what time it was. 2:00? Surely I had slept for more than half an hour… it was dark outside. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and read the digital letters- Zac.
“’Ello?”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Mhm.”
“Sorry. I thought you might be sleeping, but I miss Kate and I wanted to see what you were doing.”
I wanted to gag. Kate had been gone for how long? C’mon Zac. Be a man.
“What time is it?” I mumbled into the phone and then cleared my throat to get rid of my groggy voice.
“2 in the morning. I’ll let you go back to sleep…”
“2 in the… holy shit…” I was baffled. I had slept for 12 hours? What was wrong with me?
“How long were you sleeping? Sorry I woke you up. You can go back to sleep now.”
“No, no,” I shook my head, and sat up on my couch. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked at my dark house. I felt like a mess. I leaned towards the window and looked across the lawn at his house. His lights were on. “Where are you…?”
“Sitting in my living room watching MTV 2.”
“Well… c’mon over.”
“You’re not going to go back to bed?”
“I’ve been asleep for 12 hours. I’m up now… thanks to your obnoxious phone call,” I added to lighten the mood. “Just walk over here.”
When we hung up, I meant to stand up and turn on some lights… maybe reheat the bowl of uneaten soup, but I didn’t even feel hungry. I just sat there in the dark, staring at the blank tv screen and looking at the trees swaying outside my windows. Eventually I heard the back door open slowly.
“Taylor ?” Zac said in a confused voice as he stepped into the house. I couldn’t see him, but I figured he was kicking off his shoes and looking around the dark house. I shivered at the breeze from the door.
“Shut that. It’s cold.”
I think I heard him jump. “My god, scare me half to death. Where are you?”
I waved my hands over my head over the back of the couch. Zac shut the door and wandered over to the living room. He walked around the couch and looked at me.
“Why are you sitting in the dark?”
“Why are you standing in the dark?”
I saw a faint roll of his eyes before he slumped down on the couch next to me. “Shut up,” he mumbled with a sigh and hugged the pillow next to him. “Are you okay?”
“Are you?”
“Yeah. Just bored.”
“Same here,” I nodded. He nodded back although we both knew that it had nothing to do with boredom.
We sat there in silence for awhile, both of us watching the trees, and although we weren’t saying anything and I was doing the same thing I was before he arrived, it felt better to be watching the trees with someone rather than all by myself. For so long I had prayed for time by myself… time when my kids were not running around in my face on a crowded tour bus or my wife wasn’t taking up too much room on the couch I was trying to relax on. And now I had what I wanted and to be completely honest, I missed feeling smothered.
“You miss the kids?” he asked, as if he could hear my thoughts.
“Yeah.”
“You miss Natalie?”
Did I miss Natalie? I took a moment to picture her dark eyes and her subtle smile… smell her vanilla hand cream and taste her soft lips… In my mind, I saw her standing in the kitchen making me a peanut butter sandwich at 11 at night before I left for the studio to work on a track. She was wearing plaid pajama pants and one of my white t-shirts, her hair balanced in a messy bun on the top of her head.
“Yeah.” I missed Natalie. There was a part of me that would always miss Natalie.
“I miss Kate… a different kind of missing, but I miss her. I know it sounds stupid because what you’re going through is completely different than what I’m going through, but I sort of understand how you’re feeling.”
He didn’t. There was no way he could. Hell, I didn’t even understand how I was feeling. I had no clue what emotions I was having or how I was taking the whole thing… I just felt lost in confusing pain. But I appreciated Zac for trying to understand. Even if he understandably failed, I appreciated it.
“I know,” I told him quietly.
“Want to talk about it? Any of it?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so,” he nodded, knowing me well enough. He knew that eventually, when I wasn’t being asked about it, I’d talk. I’d tell him about the Scooby Doo macaroni and the corner without muddy Mary Janes and the plaid pajamas Natalie used to wear, but not until I was ready.
I always figured when I looked back on my life, I would tell my story like a love story. It would be the tale of Gabrielle and Taylor falling in love, hopelessly, uncontrollably, and although other things would matter, that love would trump every other notable thing that happened in my life. I’m beginning to realize that no story is a love story alone. Each love story is a story of tragedy and misery too. Life is not as black and white as I once saw it and all happiness has an element of sadness and all sorrow has an underlying sentiment of bliss. My love story is starting to sound more and more like a soap opera but I guess that’s just… life.
“What are you thinking about?” Zac asked me suddenly and I had to laugh because that was something Natalie used to ask me when I got quiet. It sounded funny to hear it from Zac.
“Life.”
“Don’t be vague or anything…”
“I’m serious,” I defended. “I really was thinking about life. And how mine is seeming more and more like a soap opera with each day.”
He laughed. “I can’t remember when your life didn’t feel like a soap opera.
Unplanned pregnancies, humungous family, secret love interests…”
“Or not so secret,” I shrugged.
“True,” he smiled. “She was worried about you today. You should call her tomorrow or something… do something together. Get your mind off Natalie.”
“My mind shouldn’t be off Natalie… or the kids.”
“Why? Because you feel guilty if you don’t sit and dwell on what happened? Because you feel like a bad guy if you’re actually sort of relieved that everyone is moving on in their lives… because you think the end of an era has to mean you failed at something or you ruined things? Eventually, you’re allowed to be happy again Taylor .”
“One day. When the things I wrecked get fixed maybe.”
“Some things are never going to get fixed. Some things happened a long time ago and are never going to change. Are you just never going to allow yourself to be happy then?”
“I guess so.”
“Taylor ,” he sighed.
“It’s just so soon.”
“Since when do you have good timing? Your entire life has been a series of bad timing!”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that too. He was right. Ezra, Natalie, Gabrielle… hell, my mother went into labor with me during the middle of her friends wedding. He was right. It seemed like nothing in my life happened when it was supposed to… but it all happened for a reason- how it was supposed to.
“Don’t beat yourself up, Taylor . You made some mistakes. So has everyone else. Things didn’t work out perfectly, but hey, life isn’t over yet.”
I nodded. I’d been holding a grudge against myself for years. Whenever I began to feel happy and confident, I reminded myself of my ruined marriage and failure as a father. Perhaps the more I focused on those things, the more I was making it impossible for myself to ever get out of my rut.
“I don’t agree with how you’ve handled every situation in your life. You know that. But it’s your life and what happened happened. There’s no changing anything now. Now it’s just time to do what makes you happy.”
I wasn’t sure I knew what made me happy. Making music used to make me happy but at some point I became numb to that just like I did with a lot of things. I used to think my family made me happy but after years of my family trying to cheer me up, I wasn’t feeling much better. Maybe I just wasn’t allowing myself to be happy again.
“Gabrielle makes me happy,” I said, unable to stop the small smile that came when I spoke her name.
“Gabrielle has always made you happy. I’ve never seen you happier than you were that month you were with her.”
I smiled even wider just hearing someone else say her name.
“Taylor , go see Gabrielle tomorrow. You finally can. Go see her and… I don’t know. Have sex with her or something.”
I laughed and looked over at him with a shocked _expression. What was that? Was that coming from my “I waited till marriage to have sex and I think everyone else should” little brother? No way.
“Screw her senseless,” he added with a laugh.
I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the couch, grinning to myself. It didn’t sound like such a bad idea. “Maybe I will.”
We sat in another comfortable silence for a few minutes, watching a few branches break off of the trees outside and come tumbling to the ground. The trees rocked back and forth- mourning the loss of the limbs- and yet feeling lighter for it.
“You know, October will be over before we know it and Mom hasn’t even made pumpkin pie yet,” Zac mused, putting his feet up on the coffee table and looking over at me thoughtfully. It was strange how our eyes had adjusted so much. Before he looked like a dark mass next to me. By then I could see the details of his expressions perfectly.
“True,” I nodded. “I want some.”
“I want some too.”
We stared some more.
“Let’s go make some,” I said.
“What?”
“Pumpkin pie. Let’s go make some.”
“We don’t even have the ingredients. And we don’t know how to make it either. We’ll tell mom to make some tomorrow.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want our mother making it for us. I wanted to make it for ourselves. We needed to make it for ourselves for it to taste as good as I wanted it to taste. “No, we have to make it. Let’s go to Albertsons. Let’s make it tonight.”
Zac parted his lips and stared at me for a moment, trying to see how serious I was. I looked over at him and gave him my infamous Taylor look- wide, excited eyes- stubborn and determined.
He stood up and clapped his hands together. “Dibs on not driving.”