The Tempest Tossed

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was approach Gabrielle after my crazy proposal. I spent some time preparing what I was going to say to her- how I was going to explain my moment of utter insanity. Is it insane for a married man to irrationally propose to the love of his life in the middle of Epcot? I guess for most people it is. However, I think it is safe to say that I am not normal, and my actions really weren’t that strange considering I’ve done crazier things in my life. They way I met Gabrielle wasn’t exactly typical, and look how that turned out.

My family got up extra early the next morning to go to a character breakfast. Natalie and I were still sleeping in the same bed. We were still going about the trip as husband and wife, but we decided when we returned to Oklahoma we would worry about the divorce. We didn’t want to think about how we were going to share custody of our children while we were in Disney World. In fact, I think we were still in shock that after four years of slowly falling apart, we were finally broken.

“You’re going to burn!” Natalie yelled at me as I shoved my wallet into my pocket and started towards the door to meet the rest of the family. I held Penelope at my side.

“Come back in here and put some sun screen on. It’s over 100 degrees out,” she said, eyeing my pink cheeks from the day before.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I groaned but she yanked me by the arm and dotted sunscreen onto my face. I let her because it would probably be one of the last times she would. I have to admit, as much as I resented the sticky feeling of sunscreen on my cheeks, there was something about marriage that was comforting. I was going to feel lost without it.

We met the rest of the family at the elevators and then together the whole pack of us rode the Monorail to the Magic Kingdom for breakfast. No one said anything about the incident the night before. I think somehow everyone had found out what happened, but no one mentioned it.

Gabrielle avoided me on the ride over to the restaurant, but I was expecting it so it didn’t faze me. Gabrielle avoids anything that scares her. At one point she accidentally made eye contact with me while we were getting out of the monorail. I gave her a tight smile hoping she’d give me some peace offering in return, but she just looked away.

Breakfast was anything but relaxing. Every few minutes a new character would wander over. Ezra and Zoe would leap to their feet with their autograph books and then my mother would force all fifteen of us to get up and take a group picture with the given character.

Each time we got up to pose, I noticed Gabrielle purposefully placed herself away from me in the photo. She wouldn’t let herself get close enough to be within talking distance. However, by the time Alice from Wonderland came over, she was getting lazy. I managed to sneak up next to her.

“We need to talk,” I mumbled as the rest of my family scrambled to find spots in the photograph and my mother explained to the waitress how to work her camera.

“We can talk when we get home from Disney. I don’t want to bring anymore drama into this trip.”

“What? We have three more days left here! We can’t just ignore each other for the rest of this trip, Gabrielle.”

I noticed Avery was listening to the entire conversation, but I didn’t care. Nosey siblings are just a part of my life.

“Then we can talk about everything but last night,” she forced a fake smile.

“That won’t be awkward,” I rolled my eyes.

“Taylor! Look at the waitress!” my mom scolded me, so I wrapped my arm around Gabrielle and grinned for the photograph. I know she didn’t appreciate the physical contact, but she didn’t do anymore than scowl at me once the picture was taken.

“Stop looking at me like that and come with me. We need to talk,” I tried to nonchalantly yank her away from my family who was beginning to sit back down.

“No way,” she shook her head. “I told you no… especially not when it’s this obvious to everyone else that we’re walking away together.”

“If you don’t come and talk this out with me right now,” I whispered over her shoulder. “I will announce to the entire family about when we kissed at your apartment.”

Now, let me admit that this was not my shining moment. I was being an immature little prick, but I knew it would get me what I wanted.

She glared at me and stormed off towards the direction of the restrooms. Although we received confused looks as I ran after her, I didn’t care. Talking things out with Gabrielle was my first priority. My family could think what they wanted. I tried not look at Natalie as I ran off. The guilt would hit too hard.

I followed her into a family bathroom and closed the door behind us. As I turned around to face her, she slapped me right across the face.

“What the fuck!”

“What the fuck is right! Are you honestly that juvenile, Taylor? You’re going to announce to the family about what happened? Are you some sort of idiot?”

I held my battered cheek and glared at her.

“Don’t look at ME like THAT,” she spat. “You need to grow up.”

“You just slapped me! I need to grow up?”

“I slapped you because you were acting like a four year old! Blackmailing me to get what you wanted? Threatening to announce to the table, including your wife, about that night? Are you a fucking child?”

I refused to let my expression reveal how right she was- how stupid I felt about what I’d done. Despite my guilt, I stood honorably before her.

“This is what I can’t stand about you! You haven’t grown up! I’ve spent the last four years becoming an adult you’re still…”

Wow. She was angrier than I thought. Her words… stung.

“You’re… you’re playing childish games!”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have manipulated you back there, but I needed to talk you,” I tried to walk over to her, hesitantly reaching out my hands to hold her. God, I needed to hold her.

She stepped away and held her own hands out- only she held her hands out protectively. I watched as she cornered herself into the corner of the bathroom.

“Say what you need to say.”

I cleared my throat and shifted awkwardly- stepping side to side. Well, it was kind of hard to just start talking when you’re put on the spot like that. Where did I begin? What did I need to say the most? For some reason, considering the past few months, I didn’t think ‘I love you’ would be the best opener, although it’s what I wanted to say the most.

“I know… I shouldn’t have done what I did last night. I know it was irrational and irresponsible… and I’m sorry it happened,” I said, watching her eyes with each syllable, hoping to gage her anger. “I’m sorry if I’ve put you in a tough spot with Natalie or the family… or anyone.”

“She already thought you were cheating on her with me, Taylor!”

“I know, I know, I know…” I said, stepping closer to her again and relieved when she didn’t react to my steps. “I talked to her. You’re right, she did think that. But I cleared things up and she believes me.”

“What about everyone else? Do they think I’m sleeping with you?”

“I… I don’t know. Maybe. I hope not,” I pondered, and then added, for good measure, “I think they know you’re a better person than that. They trust you enough, I think. Do they trust me? I’m not so sure…”

“How upset was Natalie?”

“Pretty upset,” I sighed, sitting down on the toilet seat and resting my elbows on my knees, my chin on my hands. I thought about how she’d cried the night before, begged me not to leave her. I feel bad for Natalie. She’s got so many insecurities. I treated her so badly, and still, she didn’t want to be alone. She was so strong and so weak at the same time. I think I made her weak. She got used to being pushed down by me- so used to it that it she no longer cared. I hated that I made her lkike that.

“We’re getting a divorce for sure,” I looked up at Gabrielle as I said it. She looked up too, surprised by my statement. “We talked about it. We’ve been falling apart for… for years. It’s about time we stop torturing each other and let this marriage go.”

“You’re really… going to do it?”

I looked down at my left hand and rubbed the tan line on my ring finger that my wedding band had left. It looked so strange to see my ring finger bare. I’d noticed Natalie had taken off her ring this morning too. I wondered if everyone else noticed.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “We have to. I don’t love Natalie… not like I need to. We’ve never belonged together. We got married because my parents said to, because we wanted to do what was best for Ezra… because I thought it would make everyone happy. Fuck… I think my marriage to Natalie has only pissed people off.”

She leaned against the wall and looked down at her shoes too.

“They don’t like how it changed you,” she said quietly. “What about the kids? What happens with the kids?”

I shrugged. “We haven’t talked about it yet. I’m assuming we’ll share them. I don’t know if she’d going to move back to Georgia or stay in Tulsa… who knows.”

“It’s going to be hard on them- especially on Ezra.”

Gabrielle was good like that. She always put my children before everything else. It was a quality I wished I had- something I admired about her.

“He’ll be okay,” I swallowed hard, genuinely nervous about how much he was beginning to hate me. “In fact, maybe I’ll be happier… and so I won’t be such an asshole to him all the time, you know?”

She nodded.

“Although, Gab…” I said, trying to prepare myself to say something risky- something I know she might act violently about. I had to say it though. Without her, I was nothing. “Getting a divorce isn’t going to make me happy. It’s not being with Natalie that breaks my heart… it’s being without you.”

The usually stubborn and strong love of my life didn’t react angrily. In fact, she didn’t look annoyed at all. She looked weak, standing there in that corner. She looked almost as weak as Natalie had the night before. What was up with me and tearing down the women in my life? When she didn’t talk, I continued my speech. Giving monologues, especially about my love for Gabrielle, was what I did best. And fortunately, she was a good listener.

“I won’t be happy if I can’t have you. Gab, I need you, and I know… I know you’re scared to be with me because you don’t have that much respect for me these days… because I’ve turned into what we all might consider an asshole. I know you’re scared I’m going to hurt you like I hurt Natalie… like I’ve hurt everyone. But you change me… you make me a better person and I know it sounds cheesy, I do. But you are my rock… you are what keeps me sane, happy… you keep my feet planted on the ground, Gab. I need you… god, I want you so badly. I just… I know you want me too.”

She covered her hands over her face and rubbed her temples like she was stressed out by all of it. I never meant to stress her out.

“Say something,” I finally said. She didn’t. Just stood there contemplating to herself. “Gabrielle… say something.” My voice was almost a whisper.

“You’re right. I do,” she said, removing her hands from her face and looking straight at me. She looked tired- exhausted by the emotionally draining topic. “But just because I want you, Taylor, it doesn’t mean I can have you.”

“You can have me,” I stood up from the toilet seat immediately and walked over to her. “I’m right here. I’m all yours. Give me a few weeks to get the divorce paperwork done. My marriage is over, Gab. I’m yours… only yours. I’ve always been yours.”

“I know that… but I don’t know if you’ll be good for me… if after all this, it’s for the best.”

She began to cry. It was strange. I’d seen Gabrielle cry so much lately, after going so long without seeing her shed a tear. I guess a person can only be so strong. Although I hated that I made her cry, I was fortunate for ht opportunity to take her in my arms. I wrapped my arms around her body and held her as her body began to shudder. It was strange. Less than 24 hours before, I was holding my wife while she cried. With Natalie, I felt guilty about her crying and I felt it was my job to console her. With Gabrielle, I just wanted to make it all better. I wanted to fix every wrong.

“I know this hasn’t been easy…” I said to Gabrielle, rubbing my hand in circles on her back like I had with Natalie the night before. It almost felt cheap. I almost felt like I was being disloyal to Gabrielle for holding her like I held Natalie, but I didn’t know what else to do when a woman cried. “Fuck… I’m sorry I’ve made this so goddamn complicated, Gab…”

“Don’t say stuff like that…”

“Like what?” Was she referring to my language?

“It reminds me how different you are now.”

We stood there together in each other’s arms for a few minutes without talking. I was thinking about what I had to do to have her… to have her as only mine for the rest of eternity. I wondered what it would take. I don’t know what she was thinking about, but I can guess. I know Gabrielle well enough to guess that she was probably thinking about our family and worrying about how they perceived her. Gabrielle always thinks she has to be perfect. She thinks she has to make everyone else happy and so I assumed she was thinking about having to do that. Me? I was done with making everyone else happy. I think the only people I cared about anymore were Gabrielle and myself… and I like to think I still cared about my kids. God, I think I cared.

“What do I have to do… to have you back?” I asked nervously- quietly.

“I…” but she faded off.

“Cause I’ll do anything, Gab. You name it, and I’ll do it. All I want is you and I’ll do anything it takes to have you again. Give me a chance to fix this… give me a chance to prove to you that I will be good for you.”

“But we’ve changed so much, Taylor…”

“Stop being so logical,” I said sternly, feeling that it was okay because her crying had already started to fade. Without letting go of her, I leaned back so I could look at her. She was beautiful and everything I wanted. God, I loved her. I had never stopped loving her- not for a single moment. Even when she did crazy things like insist that the family only drink soy milk or when she got really mad at me and acted cold, even those times, I still loved her. Although, for some reason, my love for her swelled at that moment until I felt completely intoxicated by her. I loved her more than I ever had before, I think. I couldn’t help but lean in and press a simple kiss to her cheek. She looked surprised, but didn’t push me away.

“Stop using your mind, Gab. Love doesn’t come from our minds.”

“They’re probably wondering where we are…” she tried to pull away, but I held her tightly. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. I didn’t want to have to go back to sitting across from her at a table for 15.

“Stop,” I shook my head. “Stop thinking too hard.”

Surprisingly, I think she took my advice to heart. She hugged me tighter and rested her cheek against my chest- even wiped her tears on my shirt I think. I ran my fingers through the ends of hair. God, how long had I been wanting to do that? How many days had I looked at her and wanted to hold her, but couldn’t?

“You’re crazy,” she finally whispered, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Just holding her in my arms, I felt like myself again.

“Why do you say that?”

I think she smiled against my chest. “You just are… you’re so stubborn. You never give up on something you want and you’ll take any measure to get it. You’re a nut.”

“So are you though,” I smiled. “You and your crazy feminist ways and your liberal preaching. And you’re so damn guarded… that’s pretty nutty too you know.”

“We both belong in psychiatric wards…” she mumbled in an amused tone.

“Can I have you…?” I asked hesitantly after a moment of preparing myself that she might very well say no. I looked her straight in the eyes, licked my lips not seductively, but nervously. “Keep you?”

“You know how you said you would do anything…?”

I nodded vigorously. “Anything. Just say the words.”

“I…” she bit her lip and fingered my hair with the hand that was wrapped around my neck. She wasn’t crying anymore, but we still hadn’t let go. I think we realized that we no longer had to let go. “I need you to try and go back to the Taylor I met a long time ago.”

Her request almost threw me off. I expected her to be less vague, to ask my specifically to do something. I wasn’t quite sure if I even remembered the good-hearted, bachelor I used to be, but I figured I would try to. When I said I’d do anything for her, I meant her. No request was too big when it came to Gabrielle.

“Tay, I want you to be happy again. I want you to treat the family well, I want you to smile… I want you to care about your music as passionately as you used to. I want to see you be good to your children and be the father you can be. I want you to have faith… faith in something, and I want you to be as considerate as you always used to be. I guess I just want you to enjoy life again. I can’t… I can’t be with someone who I’m constantly having to hold up. Natalie is a better woman than me, because she could. But I can’t. I have too much of my own baggage to handle yours too.”

I guess her speech should have scared me and overwhelmed me, because after all, she was asking a lot of me. She was asking me to be the opposite of everything I had become used to being. But somehow, her request, it gave me hope. It let me know that she was willing to consider me… that I had a chance.

“I can do that,” I nodded, and then leaned in and rested my forehead against hers. Holy fuck… I forgot how it felt to be close with her. It felt amazing.

“I’ve seen nothing but the worst of you in the last four years. I’m ready to see what I loved about you again.”

“And then… I can have you?”

“I… I can’t answer that right now. It’s not as simple as if you do this, I’ll do this. Okay?”

I just looked at her pleadingly. I wanted it to be that simple. I needed to know she’d be mine. I had to know that. I’d be too scared alone without a wife and without the guarantee that I could have Gabrielle. I didn’t even remember what it felt like to be single.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she warned. “This is a big step for me… to be talking about all of this with you. You know damn well that if you chase me too much, Taylor, I will run.”

I smiled. She was right.

“I know,” I said quietly, squeezing her to me and giving her a tight hug. It was a simple hug- even more of a friendship hug, or at least that’s how it felt. But I was thankful for our friendship at least. I was thankful for her, period. “Although, Zac did tell me to run after you. He told me to run like hell.”

chapter 45