Forty Two: The “M” Word
Gabrielle can make me live. She can make me smile, laugh, and swoon. When I’m with Gabrielle, I’m high on life.
My wife knows this. She knows that she can’t do for me what Gabrielle can, so she compensates else where. Living at home in Tulsa is like living smack dab in the middle of the 1950’s. My wife cooks, cleans, and watches my children while I do whatever the hell I want. She’s the epitome of what women fought against. She is a disgrace to Susan B. Anthony and all activists alike.
In Disney, Natalie didn’t know what to do for me. There were no meals to cook, clothes to wash, or dishwashers to run. She couldn’t offer me her labor, so she just floated with my family during the entire trip trying to figure out exactly how to get me to connect with her. I wouldn’t make it easy for her. I did everything I could to maintain distance between the two of us. Although I should have wanted to, I had given up completely on restoring my marriage.
“Taylor, come sit next to me and hold Penny for me,” Natalie said one evening as my family stood in a clump around a large lagoon in the center of Epcot. We’d been standing there for an hour, staking out a good spot to watch the fireworks, and quite frankly, I was beginning to realize how my fans felt when they waited on the sidewalks all day.
I looked over at Natalie who was separated from me by half a dozen family members. I was standing next to Gabrielle, right where I wanted to stand. I had no intention of moving and holding my squirming child next to my unwanted wife.
“I’m fine here,” I mumbled, inching closer to the railing in front of me and securing myself to it.
“Daddy, come stand with me,” Ezra said moments later. Natalie always used our son to manipulate me. Unfortunately for her, it rarely worked. It did make me feel guilty, but guilt rarely got me to do anything I didn’t feel like doing.
“You stand with Mommy,” was my rote response.
“Taylor, go stand next to your kids,” my mother interjected into the conversation. She had an obnoxious habit of voicing her opinion when it wasn’t asked for, especially when it came to how I reared my small family.
Perhaps my temper was short because the heat was unbearable. Maybe I was just embarrassed being harassed by my family for being a horrible father in front of Gabrielle. For some reason, I was unable to control the words that came out of my mouth seconds later.
“I’ll stand wherever the hell I want to stand,” I whipped around and glared at my mother, and then at my wife. “Everyone just needs to leave me alone before I really lose my patience…”
My mother cannot spot a warning from a mile way. She just kept on pushing.
“Taylor, you haven’t interacted with Ezra all day!” my mom scolded me in front of me entire family who had stopped eating their Mickey ice-creams and tuned in to my humiliation. “This is a family trip. It wouldn’t kill you to give your son a little attention and to not treat everyone so badly all the time. You get mad at us for encouraging you to enjoy Disney World with your kids. For heavens sake…”
Sometimes I feel pathetic that I’m 23 years old and still get reprimanded by my mother. The feeling of being completely weak and worthless makes my heart harden and my mind solidify until I’m completely, stubbornly against every member of my family. At this particular moment, I hated them all… except for Gabrielle that is.
“Maybe I could enjoy Disney World if you weren’t on my fucking back this entire trip…” I spat, removing myself from my front row view at the railing and brushing past my shocked family. I stomped off in the direction of some American-made miniature European country. I felt juvenile, I really did. But I had felt juvenile before I swore, so I figured why the hell not make a spectacle of myself? I had nothing to lose.
I think the reason I was so pissed was because I had this unrealistic vision in my mind of how the fireworks show- Illuminations- might go. I’d be standing next to Gabrielle watching the fireworks. As we listened to the warm music and ahhh-ed at the bursting colors above us, it would hit us both at the same time that we needed each other more than anything else in the world. We’d lean in, kiss, and my life would be changed for the better. Holding a whiney child with sticky, ice-cream hands was not part of the fantasy.
I stomped off towards a model Eiffel Tower, clearly much smaller than the real one but an uncanny replica nonetheless. I glanced back to see various members of my family whispering and others watching me walk away. I wasn’t satisfied until they were out of site, gone behind the masses of other families praying Disney will make their problems disappear.
“Hold onto Daddy’s hand,” a middle-aged man wearing a fanny pack instructed his young daughter as he clenched her hand and dragged her through the sea of visitors. I tried to ignore the sinking of my heart. I finally found my family was no longer in view when I reached the base of the Eiffel Tower. I leaned against one of the bases and closed my eyes, trying to let myself disappear inside the busy chatter of the people around me. I just wanted to hide inside myself- away from Natalie, away from my family, away from the other fathers doing a better job than me.
“Are you okay?” her voice caused me to blink my eyes open. Gabrielle stood in front of me- still wet from running in the fountains with Ezra awhile earlier. Her braid was starting to frizz and her shirt was crumbled and damp.
I shrugged and let out a sigh I hadn’t realized I’d been holding in.
“What do you mean by okay, exactly?”
“Are you… on a scale of one to ten, how good is your mood right now?”
I let a smile play on my lips at her Gabrielle-esque way of phrasing the question. God, it felt good just to hear her talk.
“Ten being the best,” she clarified. “Where are you right now?”
“A four,” I replied. “I was a three… until you walked over here.”
She leaned against the Eiffel Tower next to me and even seemed to smile. She seemed happy that I was playing along with her. I remember a time in my life when my family used to tell me to shut up and stop talking. Now my family craves to hear what I have to say- simply because I stay so bottled up all the time. It worries them.
“The family is pretty worried about you,” she finally added.
I tried to glance over the sea of people to look at my family but I had walked far enough away that they were nowhere in site.
“I don’t care…”
“Yes you do. You care very much. Taylor, don’t forget that I get you. You care very much about what’s going on with your family, and your kids, and everything… but you feel too guilty to face it, right?”
I bit my lip, resenting the psychotherapy she was attempting to perform on me but knowing that she was right- she did get me.
“Sometimes… it feels too late to fix everything.”
She shook her head. “It’s never too late. Your children aren’t even five yet. Of course it’s not too late.”
“It’s not just them… I’ve screwed everything up with everyone else too,” I sighed, staring at my flip flops as I twisted the toe of them into a pile of dirt.
She nodded. “Yeah. You have.”
I looked up immediately upon that statement- searching her face.
“What…?”
“I’m not going to sit here and butter up the truth for you. You’re right. You have screwed things up with everyone. Not permanently, but right now the family is probably a little bit angry for the way you’ve been acting and disappointed in the way you’re treating your kids. You’ve been an asshole, and of course they’re not going to like it.”
“Gabrielle…” I stared at her incredulously.
“What do you want to hear, Taylor? I’m not going to stand here like Natalie does and stroke your back and tell you everything is alright. It’s not alright, and if you don’t face the fact that you screwed up and now it’s time to fix it, it’s not going to ever get any better.”
For a moment I was angry. I couldn’t believe she was being so insensitive about how overwhelmed I was. I figured she’d followed me back to the Eiffel Tower to hug me, hold me, comfort me. But she was standing there telling me everything I did wrong so bluntly. And although I didn’t want to, and I wanted to be angry, I respected her. I respected her because she was real and because Natalie wasn’t and because I’d been absent from reality for so long.
“Yeah,” was my best response. “You’re right.”
We stood there staring at each other. It was like the very last scene of a chick flick where the two smitten characters have this revelation and lean in to solidify it. But Gabrielle had had this moment before, and nothing had changed. I tried to suppress my hope, but standing there, I believed, as always, maybe this was the happily ever after.
I’m not sure who started leaning in first. Somehow though, I suspect it was me. I’m more aggressive than Gabrielle is when it comes to stuff like that. Whatever. The point is, we ended up closer and closer and… we almost kissed. We were so close and it was so obvious what was coming, but she stepped away before my lips could touch hers.
“No.”
“No what?” I asked immediately. Where was my happily ever after! How come I never got it! Where was my fantasy kiss under the fireworks! Speaking of which, at that moment, the first firework went off and the crowd of people gasped excitedly.
“No, we can’t.”
“Why not! God Gab, I know you love me! After what you said in your apartment… and the way you look at me…” She didn’t have an response to this. “I saw the picture in your drawer. I know what it means.”
Her face snapped into a glare. “What the hell were you doing in my drawers?”
“I never meant to snoop. It just happened…” I stumbled, and then just to change the subject. “Gabrielle, we can. Not only can we, but we have to.”
“I’m not going to kiss a married man, Taylor! I don’t know why you act like this is so simple. You are married! MARRIED!” she grabbed my hand and held my left hand up to me. “See that ring on your finger? Why do you act like it’s so simple! Like I shouldn’t question how much I love a man who is already married!”
She was yelling- yelling so loud that everyone was looking at us that was standing close by. Most people were preoccupied with Illuminations, but some people found our conversation far more interesting.
“You know I don’t want to fucking be married!” I pulled my hand away from her and slipped my wedding band off my finger. “You know I don’t fucking want this!”
Instead of getting a response from Gabrielle, a woman next to me grabbed my arm and glared at me. She had two terrified children at her sides.
“Excuse me! This is Walt Disney World!” she yelled at me, hugging her children close with her free arm. “There are children around you!”
“Your children hear worse on television. Get over it,” I spat her, pulling away from the woman and stepping over to the other side of Gabrielle. It was all so out of character for me. I knew it and Gabrielle knew it.
“See! This is what I don’t love! I love the Taylor I knew! Sometimes you’re him… and then sometimes… you’re… this angry, married guy who hates everyone and…”
“Stop saying the M word!”
“Married! Taylor, you’re married! Face it! Act like a husband! Stop acting like a fucking juvenile child!” she sent the woman an apologetic look, but the woman had turned to walk away from us- probably to complain to a Disney cast member about our screamed profanities.
“Yeah, well I’m sick of being married,” I said to her simply. Then I did something that yes, I did come to regret, but at the time it felt so freeing. I stepped away from the Eiffel Tower replica and approached the lagoon in the center of Epcot. Then, in one violent thrust, I threw my wedding band into the water and watched a small ring of water ripple. I had done it. I was sick of drowning, so I drowned my marriage instead.
“Are you crazy!” Gabrielle shouted from behind me, her face shocked and arms flailing.
I rushed back to her and grabbed her moving arms, holding them still and looking her in the eyes.
“Not married.”
“You’re still married.”
“Not in my fucking mind, I’m not. I don’t feel married, I don’t look married…”
“You’re married!”
The conversation seemed like childish banter, really.
“The only person I ever want to be married to is you,” I said, my voice suddenly more quiet.
“Too bad you married someone else then…” she said, equally quiet.
I don’t know why I decided to do it. Maybe my wife had dragged me to too many chick flicks and I thought life was about spontaneous, romantic moments. Maybe I was really going a little bit crazy. Maybe it just felt right. But without really thinking about it, I got down on a knee and held her hand.
“Don’t,” she warned.
“Marry me,” I said, speaking just a bit louder than a whisper.
She looked down at me, her expression scared shitless. It’s hard to scare Gabrielle. She’s very strong and brave- probably from her youth of having to deal with some of the scariest situations I’ve ever heard of. But standing there about me, her hand in mine, she looked terrified.
She opened her mouth to respond, but she never did get any words out. My wife’s cry from the distance caused us both to freeze and look over.
“What are you doing?” Natalie screamed, her body quivering with sobs as she stood there looking at us.
I stood up immediately. It was not supposed to go this way. My wife was not supposed to know about any of this… especially like this.
“I…” I stumbled, shoving my hands in my pockets.
“What the hell are you doing…” Natalie wondered aloud to herself, although it was hard to understand what she said because she was standing there sobbing.
Gabrielle looked more guilty than me, I think. She didn’t know what to do either, so that’s why all three of just stood there trying to figure out what to make of the situation.
“It’s not how it looks…” Gabrielle said quietly because she didn’t know what else to say.
Natalie just cried harder. I know I probably should have went and taken her in my arms instead of left her standing there in the middle of a theme park crying her eyes out, but I was too scared if I went towards Natalie, I’d be stuck for another four years.
“Nat…” I said, still standing yards away from her and just looking at her pathetic, crying body. “Natalie… we need to talk, I guess.”
“You’re an asshole, Taylor. You are such an asshole,” was all she said before she turned and ran back towards my family.
As I stood there, I wondered where my life might go. I wondered if the divorce I’d been craving would come, but at the same time, feared what I would do without the wife I’d come so used to. I wondered if my family would hate me, if Gabrielle would hate me, if everyone would teach my children to hate me. Wait. I think they already did.
To make matters worse, Gabrielle started to tear up too. I heard it before I saw it, because when she spoke, her voice cracked.
“She’s right. You are,” Gabrielle added and then began walking in the opposite direction of me.
“Where are you going!” I screamed after her.
“Away from you!” was her only response as she stomped angrily through the masses of people who weren’t pleased that our drama was distracting them from Illuminations.
I stood there at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower for awhile, just wondering what to do next. I wanted to run after Gabrielle. I knew I should go comfort my wife. I wanted to run away really, far away from everything for a bit. I still hadn’t made a decision a few minutes later when my little brother wandered over to me. It was maybe the first time I’d seen him alone since his marriage the month before.
“Hey,” Zac nodded to me and looked at my pathetic stance, standing dejected underneath the tower. “Sit down, or something.”
We sat together on the ground, leaning our backs against the metal of the Eiffel.
“What happened?” he finally asked.
“Is Natalie still crying?” I asked, and as much as I wanted to pretend I didn’t care about my wife, I did.
He nodded. “She’s bawling. She hasn’t said anything except she hates you. She just keep saying it over and over again and Mom keeps telling her not to in front of the kids. I think Jessica took Ezra to get another ice-cream, or something. What… happened?”
I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him because Zac seems to have the perfect marriage and the perfect life and the perfect wife to go with it all. I would never want to marry Kate, because although she’s nice, to be honest, I find her a little too bland. But for Zac, she was perfect. I didn’t want to tell him because the brotherly competition inside of me kicked in.
“Tay… just tell me.”
“Zac… why do you care?” I finally asked. “I don’t think you’ve said two words to me that aren’t about the music or the band in… in months. Why do you suddenly care? Did Mom make you come over here?”
He stared down at the ground and fumbled with his watch on his wrist. I glanced at my own watch- the same watch Natalie had bought for me. It was scary how much of my life she had taken over.
“I… I know I’ve been sort of preoccupied lately… first with the wedding, and now with Kate all the time… and the house.”
Zac and Kate were beginning to build a house on our family’s property.
“Zac, you haven’t really spoken to me in years,” I finally sighed.
“I know,” he nodded. “But… it’s hard to be the one to always make the effort. I mean… sometimes I’d try to talk to you or go do stuff with you, and I’d manage to convince you to do it. But you never do something unless someone forces you to… and it gets tiring. But know… I know I should have tried harder and I’m sorry I didn’t.”
My little brother is one of those good guys that everyone loves. He’s thoughtful, he’s funny, and he’s genuine. Zac has good morals which he follows. I find myself wishing, a lot of times, I could be more like him. When I was younger, I was pretty similar to Zac. We both cared a lot about treating people well and loving people and just… being all around good people. He still feels that way. I’ve… well, it’s no secret that I’ve drifted.
I wanted to feel angry at Zac for falling for far from me during the past years, for being so wrapped up in Kate that he hadn’t been there for me. But I had never been there for him. When he and Kate had fights and he was upset, I never asked about them. When Zac was stressed about the wedding, I hadn’t offered any help. I couldn’t be angry at Zac. I didn’t have a right.
“You’re too nice to me,” I finally sighed. “Everyone is.”
He didn’t say anything. Just sat there, and I knew because he didn’t argue, he agreed.
“You want to know what happened?” I finally asked, a series of fireworks booming above us.
“Yeah.”
“I almost kissed Gabrielle. But she stopped me. She told me I was married. I didn’t want to be married anymore… so I threw my ring in the water.” I held up my bare hand.
“You what? Taylor…”
“It gets worse,” I sighed. “Then I came back over to Gabrielle and… I proposed to her.”
“You what!”
“I proposed… because didn’t know what else to do and because I love her and I don’t love Natalie… and because this is Disney and I thought dreams could come true. I never meant for Natalie to see me do it. I thought she was still standing over there with you guys.”
He sat there across from me with his mouth parted like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. He looked speechless. I thought my brothers had gotten used to my stupid actions and crazy ideas, but I guess not. He didn’t seem to know what to make of it all.
“I know… you’re going to tell me to get over Gabrielle and realize what I have already. I know you probably think I’m horrible and mean and a terrible person… but… I’m not happy, Zac. I don’t know much these days, but I do know she’s the one thing that makes me happy… and I’m going on that now. It’s all I have to go on.”
He looked away from me and stared up at the fireworks. I assumed, at first, he was too disgusted by me to even look at me. But after a moment he turned and looked at me again. Through his confusion, I saw a look of understanding I had never seen in Zac before.
“Tay… if you want to marry Gabrielle, you have a lot to fix with Natalie. So…” he glanced over in the direction of my family. “You better get over there and start explaining to her exactly what’s going on with you. She deserves that at least.”
Somehow, getting approval from Zac, made everything feel okay. Well, maybe everything still felt pretty fucked up, but at least things felt a little bit better. I never expected my little brother to encourage me to end things with Natalie, the right way of course, and pursue Gabrielle.
“And then what…” I asked, more to myself than Zac. What came after telling Natalie the truth- letting my wife know in the middle of a family trip in Disney world that I no longer loved her.
“Then you better run like hell after Gabrielle.”