Thirty One: 2002
31 December 2002- Excerpt from Diana’s journal entry entitled: 2002 Wrap Up
“…and I am really enjoying the new group of ladies. As we enter 2003, I think the Bible study will continue to grow and we can hopefully continue to keep each other accountable. But that is all I really have to say about myself this year!
This year’s annual wrap up will be far longer than most years. In fact, I asked Gabrielle to watch the kids and I’m sitting here at Starbucks enjoying a latte and planning to write down the entire year so I don’t forget anything when I’m old and grey… and for my own peace of mind. I think the reason that this year’s summary may be over 10 pages in my word processor is because new three people joined the family this year- all because of Taylor. I have so many more people to talk about. First, Gabrielle Carter joined our family at the very beginning of the year. Taylor first met Gabrielle in order to do a project for his psychology class at college about poverty. He met Gabrielle right up 35 on a street in Bixby- a street of broken homes- both figuratively and literally. Taylor is my only child that actually has the nerve to approach someone and ask to interview them about their life as a poor member of society, but that is exactly what he did. Sometimes I think he is too bold for his own good. It wasn’t long before he was bringing Gabrielle over the house for dinner and taking her out to the movies. Taylor is the type of person who tries to give as much as he can give to help someone. He loves helping people. It became obvious to all of us very quickly that the attention he was showering Gabrielle with went beyond helping her. We could all tell by how excited he got when he talked to her on the phone and the way he lit up when he talked about her that she was becoming something very special to him. I wasn’t surprised when I walked in on them kissing in the kitchen. Gabrielle was horrified- Taylor simply desperate that I would let them date. The thing is, Gabrielle had already begun to baby sit for the family and Walker and I knew it would complicate things.
I remember when Taylor was 16 he became very interested at our babysitter at the time- so interested that it distracted her from watching the kids and eventually we had to look for a new babysitter. She was hurt and Taylor was infuriated, and we simply didn’t want to deal with that again. I told Gabrielle and Taylor that I wasn’t comfortable with them dating so if she wanted to continue babysitting for us, they’d have to just be friends. I felt horrible saying it, but Walker insisted that it was the right decision. Taylor whined to me about it every night after that but Gabrielle was professional and respectful about my request. That was how I knew I liked her. The entire family watched as they continued to fall for each other anyway and finally I just accepted their love. My son had fallen in love. I could tell. Something was different about him… something about Gabrielle made him feel differently than he had felt about anyone else. A mother knows her son better than anyone else does, and I could just he was head over heels. He insists that when he first met her he honestly wasn’t looking for anyone but a psychology project, but Walker and I joke around that her natural beauty probably had something to do with it. We pretend to believe him.
Every night that Taylor returned home from dropping Gabrielle off at her house he’d have a new story for me. One day he said that her Mom’s abusive boyfriend had nearly hit him. Another night he told me that he was looking through her fridge in the kitchen and he saw almost nothing… just a gallon of milk, some eggs, beer, and a box of pizza. He showed me the notes he took about Gabrielle for his project and it became increasingly obvious to me that the girl my family had taken to needed help. I love being a mother to my children. They complete my life, and it occurred to me perhaps I would love being a mother figure to Gabrielle too. I couldn’t help but want to reach out to her. At the beginning of March, a month and a half after meeting Gabrielle, I asked her to move in with us as a full-time nanny. Truthfully, I’ve never needed a nanny. Sure the kids get rowdy sometimes and it is helpful to have someone to help me out with them, but things are much easier now than they were in 1997 and I no longer actually need help. But I knew there was no way to convince Gabrielle to move in unless I made it seem like I needed her too for professional purposes and I just couldn’t bare to let her keep returning to her home.
She’s amazing. She’s so good with Zoe and Mackenzie and she’s so genuine. She’s appreciative and honest… and it feels so good to see her learning how to live in a family. Those first few weeks while she was living at our house were interesting for all of us. Although we never pointed things out in front of her, we all noticed so many quirks she developed through her childhood at home. When she showered, she turned off the water while she was shaving. Taylor asked her about it once and she said she was trying to conserve water. She scoffed when she saw my children wasting food and insisted that they finish what was on their plates. She sleeps with her door locked which Taylor said was probably always something she did for protection. I remember one afternoon when I first moved in I was throwing a sheet of coupons out and she gasped. She proceeded to cut each coupon out- insisting I could probably save a whole 10 dollars by using them. Sometimes it was if we had someone from another country living in our house- another world in fact. But we all enjoyed getting to know her. It hasn’t even been a whole year since we met Gabrielle, but I don’t think any of us can imagine life without her.
In April Taylor’s ex-girlfriend, Natalie, called him and told him she was pregnant with his child. It was probably the most life-altering news of his entire life… and one of the most emotional moments I’ve ever had. He came downstairs and stood before us, shaking and crying, nervously telling us. We were shocked. My son had always assured us he would wait until marriage to have sex. We’d always believed him and we honestly trusted his judgement. It was a shock to know he’d went against his own morals like that and even scarier to know that my 19-year-old son was going to be a father. He seemed so young. He still does. He fights over the remote with his brothers and sisters. He talks back to us when he is over-tired, whines when he didn’t get his way, and spends hours on video game championships with Zac. How could my 19-year-old son be a father? He seemed like such a baby himself.
Taylor didn’t know what the right thing to do was, so Walker convinced him that he needed to marry Natalie and assume responsibility for the baby. At the time I agreed that that was the right decision, and most of the time I still think it was the right thing to do, but sometimes I wonder. Gabrielle’s heart was broken and it was clear that so was Taylor’s. In one sense it seemed so black and white: he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant so he had to marry her and be responsible for the family he had accidentally started. But looking back… I think it was more grey than that. There were so many factors…
My son has a good soul and I knew he was struggling to decide what he right thing to do was. He was obviously torn between not hurting Gabrielle and not hurting his unborn baby. In the end, he decided to marry Natalie. Gabrielle continued to live with our family but I remember seeing how much it hurt her during those months while we planned the wedding. She could hardly seem to look at Taylor, and he could hardly see to look at her. He seemed too guilty and too devastated about losing her. I was proud of him when he held his chin high and was brave about opening the next chapter in his life. Although I could tell he was nervous about it, he married Natalie in June. He was determined to make the best of the situation. No one was really happy about the situation, but we knew that there was nothing else to do but welcome Natalie into the family and continue to shower Gabrielle with the love she needed.
Taylor has treated Natalie with nothing but respect and love. I’m not always sure how exactly he loves her, but he treats her well. He has always been respectful towards women and so I didn’t expect anything less. We put an addition onto the pool house and they moved out there in June. Natalie and I painted the walls in slate blues, sage greens, and butterscotch tans… really nice colors to make it seem vibrant. It was strange going out and shopping with Taylor for the furniture for his very own house. In one day he and Natalie bought their first dining room table, a cherry-wood entertainment center, and a huge, brown leather couch. We also connected the pool house to the main house so I didn’t have to completely say goodbye to my second eldest son who was fleeing the nest far too soon. We could all tell this past summer that Taylor wasn’t excited about the baby. While Natalie and I went shopping for a crib and wall paper for the baby’s room, Taylor didn’t seem to care at all about the baby that was due in October. He just buried himself in the album. I don’t think it really hit him that he was going to be a father until the very beginning of October. He slowly began to seem excited for the baby.
I remember one day in October he walked into the kitchen where Natalie and I were looking through a pile of baby clothes we’d bought at Baby Gap. Taylor picked up a pair of newborn socks and smiled at them. “They are so tiny huh? Gosh, these are cute,” he said to us. It was the first step in him becoming interested in the baby.
Jordan Ezra Hanson was born on October 31st at 6lb 13 oz. It was Halloween and as much as my kids love the annual Halloween carnival at church, it was hard to get them to leave and put on the costumes they’d been planning for months. Mackenzie and Zoe seemed content to just stand there in the hospital and watch Ezra.
Until October Natalie had been considering boys names like Aidan and Dylan… more trendy names. Suddenly, one day Taylor decided he wanted a say in naming the baby. He said he wanted a Biblical name, and nothing too popular. I think we were all just relieved that he cared and so the two of them sorted through Hebrew names and decided on Ezra. At first I think I thought it was almost too uncommon, but it grew on all of us quickly and I began to see how it was the perfect choice. Natalie’s parents, the Bryants, aren’t fond of Ezra’s name to this day. They seem to always be trying to convince everyone to call him Jordan instead, but everyone else seems to like Ezra. The Bryants are nice people for the most part, although Walker and I think they’re kind of resentful that Natalie moved out here to Tulsa. Also, I think they see Taylor as some rock star that goes around sleeping with a lot of women but at least they treat him civilly. They flew out here for Christmas and it was a nice time. They love Ezra as much as we do.
It was amazing to hold my first grandchild for the first time. Holding Ezra reminded me that God has a plan for us… that everything in our lives mean something. He may throw curve balls at us and give us battles we never expected, but he loves us and there is a meaning for everything. Things have been hard this past year- watching my son have to grow up so fast, teaching him to step up to his fatherhood, convincing him to stay strong in front of the fans. But God loves us, and He is constantly proving to us that no matter how we map out our lives ourselves, in the end His plan is the only important plan.
Holding Ezra in hospital in October brought back so many memories of holding Taylor as a baby. Ezra is perfect with his soft, peach fuzz hair and his curious expressions. Even at a day old I could see Taylor’s expressions on him. Taylor fell in love with him the moment he was born. He must have taken over 100 pictures that first day. He couldn’t stop smiling when he held him and he walked him around the hospital showing him off to everyone he could find. Finally the nurses had to run after him and tell him he couldn’t just wander around the hospital with a day old baby quite yet. Isaac forwarded a bunch of pictures to friends and eventually pictures got out to the fans, but most of them seem really supportive. A bunch of fans even made this quilt for Ezra with personalized squares and Taylor has received so many cards of congratulations.
The first nights of Ezra living at home were rough. I guess Taylor hadn’t realized how tiring it was to have a newborn waking up several times a night. After the first two weeks Natalie revealed to me that Taylor refused to ever get up and rock Ezra back to sleep, so eventually I hollered at him and he began taking more of an active role. At first Taylor held Ezra like he was fragile. He was nervous to walk around when holding him and it was adorable to watch him awkwardly put on Ezra’s tiny clothing. He seemed convinced he was going to accidentally snap off one of his little arms. It’s been strange these past months- watching my own baby learn to take care of his baby. I expected him to almost be more natural with Ezra since he’s the second oldest of seven, but it’s as if his own child is so much more precious to him that he’s scared to mess him up. It’s been fun to watch him get used to fatherhood though.
One day Taylor approached me, holding Ezra in one arm and a mug off coffee in the other. Taylor is always drinking coffee these days. He claims that he’s addicted but he knows I hate the concept of addictions.
“Mom,” he said to me. “You know how over the summer you kept telling me how once Ezra was born I would love him immediately… that as soon as I held him the first time I would find he meant more to me than anything else in my entire life? That I’d find myself willing to give my life for him in a heart beat? Remember that? I didn’t believe you. I didn’t think I could love someone this much, but I can’t even picture life before him sometimes.”
Ezra is a good baby. He is very calm and hardly fusses- actually cries less than Taylor did as a baby. Taylor was a great toddler, but as a baby he was finicky and so I tease him that he’s lucky to have a baby that easier to take of than he was. Ezra can hold his head up and likes to sit in our laps. He’s a good eater and now that he’s 2 months old, he’s a pretty good sleeper too. They put him down around 9 at night and he usually gets up once at 12 and again at 3 or so… and then he gets up for good around 6. Sometimes he even sleeps until 7. He sleeps well in the day and Zoe loves treating him like a baby doll. I feel like we’re all constantly yelling at her to be gentle with him. Ezra is actually a really noisy baby… he’s always babbling and trying out different sounds. Taylor likes to tell us it’s his way of singing.
Natalie is a good Mom… an excellent Mom in fact. She’s very natural at taking care of Ezra and she’s never neglectful. Sometimes she asks if I can look after Ezra for an evening while she and Taylor go out to dinner, but she’s never gone for long. She adores him as much as Taylor does and it’s good to see them come together through Ezra. I know that Ezra has added a new level to their relationship. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know Natalie better and watching her mature from a high school girl into the mother that she’s become. Walker accuses of me of resenting Natalie because of what happened to Gabrielle, but that is not the case. I feel sad about what happened, but I would never change it because if we went back in time- Ezra would not exist. I think that’s how Taylor feels as well.
And yet as happy as Taylor is about his new role as a father, there is still a pain in him that never existed. He’d always been such a happy-go-lucky guy growing up- always cheerful and optimistic about life. It seems that no matter how much he loves Ezra, he still can’t find it in himself to be completely happy. I try to convince myself that my son is happy… that he’s just tired and stressed out. But I know better. Taylor is in love with Gabrielle and we all know it. He hides it well… so well that sometimes I think Natalie doesn’t even notice it. But sometimes we all catch him watching Gabrielle across the kitchen with this longing, desperate expression on his face. I know she is the reason for this sadness he can’t seem to shake, and that’s what makes me wonder if it was really right for him to marry Natalie. On the outside they seem happy. They take lovely family portraits and if someone asks Taylor about his wife he’ll say- “She’s great. We’re really in love.” But those of us who know him best know he’s trying to appear strong in front of everyone else. He tries to seem happy for Ezra, for Natalie, and for Gabrielle. She’s in love with him. She’s still hopelessly in love with him, although she hides it better. Taylor knows that she needs him to pretend he’s not in love with her.
Gabrielle’s moving on each day. She’s completed her first semester of college now and she’s doing wonderfully there. She lives in a dorm with her roommate who has turned into one of her best friends. Her roommate, Jamie, is a nice girl from Lubbock, Texas who grew up on a ranch. Gabrielle brought Jamie home with her for Thanksgiving since Jamie’s parents weren’t able to drive up to Stillwater to get her. She was very polite and appreciative and helped in the kitchen even more than Gabrielle did! Gabrielle explained when you’re from a ranching family, working is second nature. We all noticed the way Jamie felt awkward around Isaac, Taylor, and Zac because of their celebrity status I suppose. When one of them walked into the room, especially Taylor, she seemed to almost tense up and get really nervous. Taylor made the mistake of walking around the house at one point without a shirt. The expression on Jamie’s face was priceless and I quietly reminded him that it might be best to stay clothed around Gabrielle’s school friends.
Gabrielle is majoring in biology to become a doctor, but somehow we can all tell she’s doing it to be financially stable one day. When she comes home for weekends, which we insist she does at least once a month, she complains about her difficult biology classes that she hates.
“Do you even like biology?” Zac asked her the other day.
“Not really.”
“Then do something you like. You might as well enjoy what you’re doing when you grow up. Do something you’re going to feel good about.”
Gabrielle mentioned changing her major to something else, but so far she doesn’t know what she wants to do. She is such a part of our family these days that I can’t remember when she wasn’t here. She comes home usually every other weekend and spends a night babysitting for me and the rest of the time just relaxing with all of us. She visits her Mom every once in awhile too, but she’s so much more attached to us now. Sometimes I feel guilty having pulled her away from her mother, but then I remember how her mother treated her all of those years. She doesn’t deserve Gabrielle. Gabrielle’s put a little bit of meat on her bones finally- now that she has a normal diet. It’s good to see. She even lets me buy her nice clothes once in awhile and I finally convinced her to let me take her to the saloon to put her highlights in her hair. It’s fun getting to spoil her. I’ve spoiled my own children for so long that they don’t get excited about it anymore, but Gabrielle’s eyes lit up when I offer to buy her a nice new pair of jeans. She still refuses, but only briefly.
We’ve been encouraging her to find a boyfriend at OSU in order to help her move on from Taylor. It will it will only tear her down if she doesn’t let him go. She says that guys aren’t interested in her, but we all know better than to believe her. When I first met Gabrielle I thought she was cute, but these days she’s really grown into herself and she just looks beautiful. For awhile she and Taylor were awkward around each other, but with each day they’re learning to treat each other like friends. They even occasionally bicker like siblings, and so I take that as a good sign. I am just so thankful for having Gabrielle in our life… and for Natalie and Ezra too. Things aren’t exactly traditional in this family anymore. Things aren’t how we ever expected them to be, but the house always feels warm and it would feel empty without those three people who’ve come to mean so much to all of us.
Moving on for the far less complicated life of Zac, he’s still with Kate and they see each other at least once a month. She started college this year at GSU…”