Thirty: Bubbles
The 2nd floor of our hotel in Georgia was a mad house on the morning of June 8th. Diana woke me up at 7 A.M. and told me to shower. She gave me no more than five minutes to dry off and put on some clothes before she asked me to get everyone else. One by one, the Hanson family woke and had breakfast. Since the ceremony was planned to take place at 2 in the afternoon, everyone had to start getting into their dresses and tuxes around 10. Make up had to be done, nails had to be painted, and faces had to be shaved.
Everyone ran from room to room asking questions like “Have you seen my shoes?” and “Can someone do this tie for me?” It was ironic. It was Taylor’s wedding, and yet no one had seemed to see Taylor all morning. He’d been at breakfast 8, but somehow he had disappeared throughout the morning and at 10:30 we began to wonder where he was. Walker sent me and Isaac to go look for him. We split up and walked idly around the hotel looking for him. He couldn’t have gone far, we reasoned. He wasn’t supposed to see Natalie before the wedding so he wasn’t with her and he didn’t have a car in Georgia so he couldn’t have gone far.
I wandered into the work-out room on the 1st floor and spotted him sitting on a bench near a stack of weights, just peering out the window at a group of kids jumping in a pool. He held a lit cigarette in his hand although I was fairly sure it wasn’t allowed in the work out room.
“Hey,” I said quietly and he jumped at the sound of my voice. I guess he hadn’t heard me come in.
“You scared me,” he sighed, automatically snubbing out his cigarette on the floor since he knew I didn’t like smoking and he knew better than to smoke around any of us.
I hesitantly sat down next to him on the bench and looked at the kids playing in the pool. “How are you holding up?”
He shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m fine.”
“What are you thinking about?” I said as we both gazed at the kids jumping off the diving board and screaming.
He shrugged again. “Stuff, I guess. In five years, I’m going to have a child old enough to swim like those kids, probably,” he gestured at them. “Did you know I can’t even drink at my own wedding?”
“I hadn’t thought about that.”
“This is my last day single… for the rest of my life. Marriages are forever… and after today I will never live another day single. That’s a weird thought… huh?”
It was the most he’d said to me since we’d broken up. His rambling even made me somewhat reminiscent of the old Taylor I used to know. I nodded to show I was listening but I was careful not to reply. I wanted him to do the talking. I knew he had a lot on his mind.
“After this weekend… she’ll be getting on a plane and flying back to live with me… as Natalie Hanson,” he swallowed. “The pool house looks good all added to and renovated, huh?”
I nodded.
“Looks real nice…” he mused. “Mom said that when I pack up my old room next week Jessica is going to move in and get her own room. You think she’ll paint it? I rather like the red… and it’s nice for a guy or a girl so… she shouldn’t paint over it. Unless she wants to.”
He was rambling out of nerves. I knew him well enough to know that. He was avoiding talking about things that really bothered him and just talking to distract himself.
“I was thinking… I want to get a big leather couch for the living room in the pool house. I always wanted to get a leather couch for the house but Mom always asked if it was really necessary to sit on something that had caused the death of so many cows. She doesn’t really like leather… you’ve probably heard her say that before. But since I’ll technically be living on my own, I can get whatever couch I want now. Don’t you think?” his voice began to quiver as he spoke. I watched as he wiped at a single tear falling down his cheek.
“Tay…” I said, touching his arm and wanting to make it better for him. I couldn’t imagine how I’d be feeling if I had to get married that young. He was spending his last few hours as a child, really. He’d wake up the following morning tied down to responsibilities. The worst part was that he seemed to not have any happiness what so ever about getting married. He’d been miserable since he’d proposed.
“I’m not sure if Natalie likes leather couches or not,” he mumbled to hide what was really bothering him.
“Taylor… I know you’re really scared and freaked out by all of this…” I said, trying to use the listening tools I’d learned from him to help him feel better. It always worked when he spoke to me like that. “You can cry about it. This is a really emotional day for you. It’s okay.”
He shook his head furiously and wiped at his eyes which were dropping tears by the second.
“Taylor…” I rubbed his arm gently and looked at his face. He was fighting tears. He was falling apart before me and trying to keep it together… but he just couldn’t seem to gain control. The tears fell faster the more he tried to repress them. He bawled his one hand up at his sides and used the other to cover his eyes so I couldn’t see him crying. His breathing quickened.
“Tell me what’s going on in your head…” I tried to calm him. “Stop fighting this and just let yourself cry. Take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on.”
It was strange for me to say that considering I hadn’t cried since we’d broken up with me. There were so many times when I heard him talking to Natalie on the phone that I’d wanted to lock myself in my bedroom, but I decided the day I moved back into the Hanson’s that I was done crying and I’d kept my word. But sitting there next to him I knew how important it was for him to let out of his emotions. He couldn’t keep them bottled up all day or it would pour it out at the worst moment… perhaps while he was standing up there at the altar. I ignored the voice in my head that was telling me it would be good if he broke down crying at the altar and called off the wedding.
“Tay… seriously. Talk to me…” I cooed, reaching my arm around to his back and rubbing it in gentle circles. It’d been so long since I’d been able to touch him, and it felt so good. I could tell by just rubbing his back that he’d lost weight.
“I’m not ready for any of this,” he said through the waves of tears that shuddered through his body. “I’m just not ready for any of this. I don’t even know if this is what I want to do… I don’t even know if this is the right thing to do… I don’t know anything… sometimes I think… do you think… after all of this and all the trouble I’ve caused everyone… do you think God hates me, Gabrielle?”
“No!” I gasped, shaking my head and moving his hand that was covering his eyes so he could see how adamant I was about my response. “No, Taylor, I don’t. I don’t know much about God… I just know what I hear in church on Sunday… but by what I hear about God I don’t think he hates you at all.”
“He should,” Taylor squeaked. “I’ve had sex before marriage, I’ve hurt you, I’ve closed myself off from my family, I’ve lost my faith… “
“You haven’t lost your faith. You’re talking about God right now, aren’t you?”
“But I don’t love him like I used to. I don’t pray… I don’t thank him… I just resent him.”
He was talking about things I couldn’t really help him with. I’d slowly begun to become religious from being with the Hanson’s so much and going to church, but even still I didn’t know how to answer his tough questions about a God I knew hardly anything about.
“You’re going through a really tough time… and I’m sure he knows that,” I continued to rub his boney back.
“I don’t understand how it was always so hard for you to make the right decisions and you still did! No one ever told you to be a good person or to do your homework or any of that…,” he said through tears. “And you always made the right decision anyway. I didn’t have a hard life, Gabrielle… I didn’t. In fact, I got a lot handed to me on a silver platter. And I still fucked up. I still fucked up, Gabrielle.”
“We all screw up sometimes…”
“I’m getting married and I’m not even happy about it!” he said, the tears coming on stronger as he hunched over and cried into his lap. “I love Natalie… I do. Not like I love…” he swallowed. “Not like I should, but I love her. Is it fair of me to do this?”
“Is it fair of you not to? To leave her standing at the altar alone and pregnant?”
He sat up and looked at me, suddenly unashamed of the tears streaming down his face. “Can you… hug me…?”
I wouldn’t have if he wasn’t in such a moment of desperation, but how could I turn that request down as he sat there sobbing to himself? I nodded and slid closer to him on the bench, wrapping my arms around his body and rocking him gently as I hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me back and whimpered into my shoulder, still trying to control his crying. No man likes to cry in front of a woman.
“It’s going to be okay,” I said softly to him. “It might not be perfect and you might not be happy every second of everyday, but you’re going to be okay. You’re going to be just fine… I promise… once things settle down a bit and Natalie moves to Tulsa… you’ll be able to see that it’s going to be just fine.”
He nodded and clung to my shirt, muttering, “I hope so… does everyone hate me?”
“Hate you? Why would they hate you?”
He shook his head sadly and spoke into my shoulder, “My family never expected any of this to happen… Mom and Dad are still disappointed in me… I can tell. My brothers are mad at me for letting this happen and interfering with the band… and everyone else just seems to take their cues from Mom and Dad.”
“I think they’ve… I think everyone has learned to deal with it. Everyone’s here in Georgia to see you get married, right? They support you even when they don’t always agree.”
He pulled away from me and sat back on the bench, wiping his face and taking a few even breaths. Then he looked at me and said quietly, “Thank you, Gabrielle. I don’t deserve for you to treat me like this.”
“Sure you do,” I said quietly. “I live with you… I’m practically family… and family has to take care of each other.”
It was so hard for me to say that. In part, I sort of meant it. I was part of his family and it was my responsibility to look out for him. But at the same time… I said it like I didn’t mind. He couldn’t imagine how hard it was for me to sit there and comfort him about the marriage that had broken my heart. I was letting him know it would be okay when sometimes I didn’t know if I was going to be okay with his marriage.
He took one of my hands in his and squeezed it tightly, letting it fall to my lap before I could react to it.
“You really think… things will be okay?”
“Taylor… give yourself some credit. You know how to turn a bad situation into something good… you’ve got optimism like no one else. If you want everything to be fine, you can make them fine. You’ve just got to be brave, be mature, and try and make the right decisions from here on out…”
He nodded solemnly as he took in the information. I could almost see him storing it in his mind.
“It’s going to be fine,” I lied to him.
I knew it wouldn’t be fine for me at least. It seemed that although he wasn’t in love with Natalie, he was falling out of love with me too. It would have just been the silence he vowed to keep, but it surprised me how he hadn’t chased me at all. Was he truly honoring his word or had he just gotten past me? Sometimes I got the impression he still loved me. Sometimes I’d see him watch me with this expression that could only be described as needing and I’d know he still loved me.
But sometimes he hardly gave me the time of day and I began to imagine he’d moved on. I hadn’t moved on. Despite his depression and his change, I loved him as much as I had the time I’d slept with him. In fact, seeing him struggle and slowly wither away almost made me love him more. I wanted to take him in my arms and just hold him, but I knew he was going to have someone else to do that for him. Perhaps it was going to be fine for Taylor, but I knew I would be anything but fine.
The wedding was beautiful and I hated every second of it. The flowers were perfectly arranged, the music was classic, and the colors were romantic. The small chapel building was charming with its tall, cedar ceilings and stained glass that warmed the room. Taylor repeated his vows with an earnest expression and a brave smile. Natalie clasped his hands tightly the moment the minister pronounced them husband and wife. As I sat there in the pew holding Zoe in my lap, I think a small part of me died. I’d known for two months that he’d be getting married, but watching it happen killed something inside of me that I don’t think will ever be replaced. Feelings of jealousy and hopelessness ran through my body and I wondered how I’d ever survive the rest of my life living a life of wanting him. I surely wouldn’t survive if I just focused on how much I needed him, wanted him, loved him.
The cameras flashed as a second trimester Natalie locked arms with Taylor and they walked down the aisle together. He smiled for the cameras but when he caught my eye I saw a sadness that assured me he was anything but joyful. As we followed them out of the chapel and stood on the steps blowing bubbles of congratulations at them, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t waste my life wanting what I couldn’t have.
I wanted Taylor with every fiber of my being. I couldn’t remember wanting anymore more. But wanting something that someone else had was only agonizing and it did no good. As I saw it, I’d only die miserable and wretched if I lived my life secretly lusting after Taylor and resenting his wife. As Taylor committed to a life with Natalie, I made my own commitments. I promised myself that as much as my heart told me I loved Taylor, my mind was not allowed to agree. I had to live my life as if he was just a brother to me. If a thought came into my mind about loving him, I had to get rid of it immediately. I couldn’t look at him for long periods of time, I couldn’t relish in memories of him holding me, and I couldn’t hate her for having him. I committed to myself, standing there on the steps of the chapel and watching them grin at the cameras, that I’d move on. There was nothing else to do but to move on.
If it wasn’t careful, the very person who saved me would undoubtedly lead to my ruin. If I wanted to be the survivor Taylor knew to me to be, I had to force my heart to convince my mind I never loved him at all.